The Marriage Counseling Blog

Easier said than done, right? Remember the time when you expressed your love at every opportunity? And your beloved blushed or beamed with happiness.

What changed? The fact that you are married? Now, come one, the love cannot suddenly die. But yes, now, you find other couples who seem happier than you. And yet, there was a time you were so content with your relationship that you thought no other couple can be happier. Can’t you brink back the love in your marriage?

OK, you are clueless. You don’t know what changed, You are not even sure if your love for him/her is the same. You often find yourself comparing your relationship with others’ and wondering why theirs is better.

First of all, you cannot really judge a relationship in a couple of interactions. So, you really don’t know if theirs is indeed better.

Secondly, if you do think and hope that your relationship becomes happy, there is scope. Yes, you can bring a difference to your marriage.

In order to bring back the love, you have to bring back the expressions. Now, you don’t have to do something extraordinary for that. Just bring back the niceties. Smile and thank your spouse when he/she brings coffee, does the dishes, coaches your child, or picks the laundry. Start saying ‘please’ again. When your spouse does something that makes you happy, tell him/her that, and try to reciprocate the gesture. Focus on small things; help your spouse when he/she needs help. Talk to him/her about your day and ask him/her about his. Keep the cribbing aside. You will soon notice a positive change in your marriage.

Isn’t it strange for a marriage counseling blog to say that you should not continue your marriage? Don’t we always say that you should not give up on marriage too soon? Yes, we say that. We believe in saving marriages, so why change the tune?

No, we are not changing our belief. What we simply mean is that not all marriages are worth saving. What kind of marriages are we talking about? We are talking about abusive marriages.

Now, there is no particular definition about an abusive relationship, but if you find a spouse beating up the other or humiliating the other in front of people, you will definitely call it a bad marriage. Now, some abusive relationships are obvious. The one with mental abuse are difficult to figure out. However, both the victim and the perpetrator are aware how the relationship is.

Most of the time, the victim is too afraid, confused, or unsure to walk out of the abusive relationship. And there are those cases where a couple calls their marriage abusive because of their conflicts. In an abusive relationship, there is always a perpetrator of the abuse and a victim.

When communication reduces people down to being cursed at and humiliated, it is time you walk out of the relationship. Relationship abuse victims have low self esteem that makes them wonder if they can have a future – professional and personal – outside the relationship. They definitely need counseling but not the one that talks about sticking to the marriage.

If you feel threatened in your relationship, it is time to call it quits.

The word ‘tips’ makes sense when added as a suffix to terms like ‘cooking’, ‘dental care’, and ‘beauty’. Can there be something called marriage tips? Well, yes, any small thing that can help improve your marriage can become a tip. Now, if you are in the habit of ruining your evenings and sulking in the mornings, blaming or cribbing about your spouse and your marriage, it is time you sit up and take action. And I am not asking you to visit the marriage counselor right away. Here are a few tips that will help you avoid unpleasant silence or bitter exchange of words.

If you are a man and your lady is a home-maker, don’t leave the house in the morning without a word. You can take a moment to thank her for the breakfast and bid her bye well. Now, irrespective of whether you are a man or a woman, don’t start the day on a sour note. Try to ensure you don’t spoil each other’s day by uttering something unpleasant.

Irrespective of your gender, get your spouse something when you get back home from work. A casket of fruits, the new edition of his favorite magazine, or any such thing will do. A gesture as small as this can also show that you care.

Control your reaction. When your spouse is going on and on about something he/she is unhappy with, don’t jump in and make a smart, sarcastic remark. You can save your sarcasm for outsmarting your colleagues. At home, just control your anger. And doing so won’t make you look weak. Instead, it will calm your spouse down and he/she may realize his/her mistake. However, don’t expect an immediate apology. You are likely to get it a few days later either verbally or in gestures.

Don’t hold back when you like something he/she did. Even if it was something he/she made for breakfast or the way he/she spoke to your sister. Express your gratitude and love at once. It’s the anger you have to hold back, not the love.

Try these tips even if they seem trivial. However, when they become useless, seek counseling.

“A marriage is happy only if the spouses are best friends,” said a friend many years ago. I used to wonder if that is indeed true. How many of you can claim to have one single closest friend? While we have many friends, the concept of ‘best friend’ does not apply in every case. So, if you cannot find a best friend, how can you think of turning your spouse into your best friend, or for that matter, marrying your best friend?

Marriage is an exclusive relationship. A relationship like no other. Spouses may not necessarily be best friends but they ought to be friends. Why? Because no relationship can exist without some sort of friendship. So, spouses have to be friends but the extent of friendship will vary in every marriage. In some marriages, the spouse is really the best friend. In others, the spouse is a close friend but one still has one or two same-sex friends outside with whom one shares a different bond.

Friendship has expectations but no ego, making friendship a hassle-free bond. OK, I said too much. Every friendship has its share of problems but the problems are not as complicated as in a relationship or marriage. The extra load of expectations that you bring along in a relationship along with that yearning for perfection is what makes a relationship complicated. Now, friendship between spouses can actually take the pressure off the relationship. If you try making friends with your spouse, you will make your marriage healthier.

Don’t start looking to make your friend your spouse; instead make your spouse your friend.

Important marriage advice and tips when presented separately can leave one confused. So, in today’s post, I plan to revisit all the marriage advice we discussed in the last few posts. Hope this helps you get a good idea of how you can improve your marriage.

• If your spouse seems to sport low self esteem these days, try not to shame or criticize him/her. Stand by him/her and seek counseling for him/her. The sooner he/she recovers from the state, the sooner your relationship will become better.

• If you have expectations of your marriage and of your spouse, make sure you reciprocate what you expect. Your spouse may have similar expectations. Change your behavior and action towards your spouse to reflect the way you would like to be treated. Soon, you will find your spouse reciprocating.
• If you are about to enter matrimony, take out some time to go for premarital counseling. This will help you get an idea of your beloved’s perspective on marriage and family goals. This counseling will help you prevent many conflicts in your married life.
• It is important to look into your behavior in the marriage before you start blaming your spouse. Introspection can help you avoid a lot of problems and make your marriage healthier and happier.
• When you start thinking that all is lost in your marriage, give marriage counseling a try. There is no harm in spending a few days on counseling. If you get a fresh perspective on the problems in your marriage, you are likely to be able to resolve them.

Hope this post helped. Keep watching this space for more information on making your marriage better.

“He makes me feel like a queen.” “She makes me feel so good about myself.” No, this doesn’t just happen in movies. It happens to real couples. It is the falling-in-love phase. A romantic relationship is supposed to make you feel good. So, when the relationship starts making you feel bad about yourself, there is something wrong somewhere.

I remember meeting a lady a few years ago whose husband was having an affair. When the lady learned about the affair, her first words were, “Where did I go wrong?” While those words reflected her grief, I wondered if this is how people react when their spouses stray. Do people blame themselves? Unfortunately, many do. There is this underlying sense of low self esteem that makes them think they must have been wrong.

The low self esteem may also lead to depression, making the relationship worse. It is important for both spouses to understand that shaming or criticizing one another can only do harm. You may be slowly pushing your spouse to depression or killing your relationship. If you notice that your spouse is no longer the one whose amazing personality had swept you off your feet, while you may not necessarily be the reason of his/her plight, you have to make sure you do not worsen it. In fact, you have to take action. Convince him/her to see a counselor.

It is important you become the partner you had promised to be, especially at this phase of your spouse’s life. A little help and understanding from you will make your marriage healthy and happy.

When was the last time you told your spouse that you love him/her? Oh, wait, you guys are married now so you don’t need to say that anymore. Is that how you feel?

Remember how many times and in how many ways you expressed your love for him/her in your courtship days. Why did you start behaving differently after you said ‘I do’? What changed? The fact that you wear a wedding band? Living under the same roof with the same goals was a dream. Now that you have made the dream come true, why don’t you find it pleasant anymore?

Somewhat strangely, we start looking at our beloved in a different way the day we get married. No, I am not referring to you noticing the little annoying habits of each other. I am talking about the expectations and a sudden maturity you expect of your spouse. Suddenly, every serious conversation seems to start with, “Now that we are married…” It sounded good in the initial few months, but later the words become a burden.

Why should things between the two of you be any different now that you are married? Of course, you have a house to look after, everyday chores, apart from your careers. But you always had your careers. So, is the common roof making your relationship heavy? No, it’s the fact that you expect your wife to make breakfast for you or your husband to do the laundry. Of course, someone has got to do it, but instead of ordering around or nagging about it, be polite. Get back to the earlier exchange of sweet words even when you asked each other for help.

Expectations are obvious in a marriage, but they shouldn’t replace the niceties and the expressions of love and appreciation in your relationship. When was the last time you thanked your spouse for something he/she did. When was the last time you surprised him/her with some sweet little gesture? It is within you to bring back the spark and make your marriage better. Get working.

Have you ever heard someone say that his/her marital problems are too big to be solved by petty relationship tips? Oh wait, you say that all the time. Your problems are huge, you say. I am sure they are, but I believe every problem has a solution. However, the solution needs to be preceded by your will. If you are not willing to solve a problem, it will not get solved.

So, how big is your marital problem? You think your spouse is too rude, cold, insensitive etc.? Have you ever tried to find out if your spouse feels the same way about you? Of course, he/she does. That is why he/she hurls abuses at you or gives you the silent treatment or cribs you all the time. You are right that there is a problem but you may have been wrong in identifying the problem. Your spouse’s behavior may be the consequence of the problem and not the real problem.

You may have conflicts arising out of differences in religious and political views, family goals, expectations from the marriage. A smart way to prevent such conflicts is by going for counseling before your marriage. At times, being in love blinds us to some ground realities. You should know what your beloved expects of the marriage. Getting into the marriage with different sets of expectations is a recipe for disaster.

However, all is not lost even if you didn’t go for premarital counseling. You can make your marriage better by seeking counseling at any point of time in your marriage. Counseling will open your eyes to the state of your marriage and the feelings of your spouse. And your big marital conflicts will no longer remain conflicts.

Are you being selfish in your marriage? Do you expect more of your spouse than you can offer? Do you expect your spouse to be perfect while calling your flaws being human? Do you treat your spouse the way you want to be treated? Do you expect your spouse to accept your family and friends and treat them with respect while you go pooh-poohing his/her family and friends? Do you make fun of your spouse’s religious and political views because they don’t match yours? Well, these questions are probably the ones you never asked yourself. The ones who have are better placed in personal relationships than those who haven’t. Why do I say so? Read on.

Introspection is a dying virtue. It is easier to point fingers at others rather than looking into ourselves. How equal is your marriage? Are you in the habit of blaming, shaming and criticizing your partner? OK. he/she has flaws, but are your really that perfect? Have you ever asked that question?

You never introspect. Sit back and analyze your actions, your behavior. Are you really that perfect? If your spouse has flaws, you do too. You have to understand that a marriage needs equal participation. You cannot expect your spouse to do what you don’t want to or cannot do.

You need to understand your role in the happiness and the conflicts in your relationship with your spouse. Are you the reason for more conflicts than happiness? Are your complaints ruining your marriage and snatching your spouse’s mental peace? These are questions you need to ask yourself if you want a healthy marriage. Just blaming your spouse for everything or expecting changes from him/her won’t do. Start introspecting today.

We have always maintained that marriage is an exclusive relationship. So, when there is a problem in your marriage, it needs to be handled with care. Unlike in any other relationships, with marriage you have the scope of ending the relationship with something called a divorce.

In other relationships, even you part for some time, you always have the option to come back into it. However, after divorce, there is no coming back; the marital relationship ends once and for all. So, before you make that decision to end your marriage, give it some time.

Unless you are in an abusive relationship, there are many ways you can improve your relationship and make your marriage better. When you start thinking that your marriage is becoming dull or boring or that you have lost the spark or your spouse has become insensitive to your needs, it’s time to take control of things. But how?

Start with employing professional advice. No, you don’t need to visit a counselor. You already know the basics like expression of love, show of appreciation, and control of anger. You will find many more simple tips by subscribing on e-mail to programs such as Mort Fertel’s marriage fitness.

If you think you or your spouse is suffering from depression or anxiety, seek help at once. Consult an anxiety therapist. You will see a visible improvement in your relation once the depression and anxiety is dealt with.

If there seems to be a bigger problem and if you don’t seem to communicate with your spouse, seek counseling. And if your spouse is not willing to come along, just go for individual counseling.

Scenario 1: The Arnolds have been married for five years. They are in their early thirties. They don’t seem to have any marital problem at the surface, but since the time both husband and wife have got more responsibilities at work, their personal communication seems to be suffering.

Scenario 2: The Vincents have been married for 18 years. They have two teenage sons. The pressure of managing work and home has taken a toll on Mrs Vincent. She thinks her husband does not understand the stress she is in. Her husband feels that his wife has started nagging lately. They fight almost everyday.

Scenario 3: The Sharmas have been married for 10 years. Mrs Sharma thinks her husband is not interested in her and Mr Sharma is of the opinion that he married the wrong woman. Both of them are looking to get a divorce.

Now, which couple do you think needs marriage counseling or some sort of marriage advice? Interestingly, every married couple has the potential to make use of some marriage advice. Now, the kind of advice is what varies in different cases. Take, for example, the couple in the first scenario. The Arnolds may need some self-help marriage tips to work on their relationship. Though their marriage is not in trouble, a little help can bring it out from the current state and make it better.

Now, scenario 2 illustrates a marriage where both the spouses are openly complaining and cribbing about the situation. They need some help. Probably a marriage counselor will help at this point. Or Vincents can take up a different approach like Mort Fertel’s marriage fitness program.

The third scenario talks about a couple who has given up on the relationship. These guys will be the most reluctant to seek counseling. However, if they have even a bit of interest in saving the marriage, they will do well with professional counseling. There are chances they will not only save their marriage but also make it a happy and healthy one.

It is important you do not rule out marriage advice irrespective of the state of your relationship. If you are willing to make it work, counseling will help you.

Do you need certain skills to make a marriage work? Or is it all about love and trust? According to Diane Sollee, founder of the Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, LLC (CMFCE), marriage is a skill-based proposition. You need certain skills to make a marriage work. In an interview, this is what Sollee said, explaining the concept:

It’s the idea that marriage is skill-based. Like football. The way we have it set up now a couple gets married and we send them out there to win based on “love and commitment.” That’s like asking a football team to win on team spirit — “for the Gipper” — but not letting them learn any plays or signals. No skills at all — just win on love. The basis for the smart marriage® concept is exciting new research that finds that what is different about the marriages that make it — that go the distance and stay happy — are behaviors or skills. And even more exciting they are simple skills that anyone can learn.

Now, Sollee talks about learning. And that is why CMFCE’s campaign, Smart Marriages® talks about courses on making a marriage smart and happy. Now, these courses re not like therapy where you have to talk about your problems. Instead, these courses hand over skills that you can employ in your relationship when you are at home.

Wondering if your marriage will remain romantic after such a course? Here’s what Sollee has to say about that:

It’s the most romantic thing you can do! If you find someone you want to spend the rest of your life with — share everything from the bathroom to your bank account and babies with — then taking a course to learn everything the experts know about how to keep your love alive is as romantic as it can get. Walk hand-in-hand into one of these courses and tell me it isn’t romantic.

Do you think you are ready for a course?

“My cousin had been married for 14 years before she and her husband separated. Why would they part after so long? Her husband must have the problem.”

How many cousins, friends, and colleagues you know whose break-up after a long and seemingly happy marriage surprises you? I am sure there are many. Why do we react when we learn about their separation? Because they had been with each other for long. Why do they part after being with each other for so long? Oh, there can be a number of reasons. However, there seems to be a common thread joining all reasons in the ending of long-term marriages.

Why do long-term marriages end? Here’s what the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapists (AAMFT) has to say about it.

We are so accustomed to hearing about highly conflictual divorces that when a long term couple simply calls it quits after a long period of time of appearing to have the model partnership, it surprises us. One factor that may contribute to growing apart and eventual dissolution is the increasing acceptability of divorce. As a society, we have come to be more accepting and less stigmatizing of couples splitting. Another factor includes enhanced human longevity and psychological growth. People are living longer, healthier lives. As we age we continue to explore new dimensions of our personality, engage in challenging activities (personal and career oriented), and pursue hopes and dreams. Our partner may fully support this personal development but that does not mean as a couple we are necessarily growing together.

AAMFT cites three things that can help a couple grow together.

• Continued courtship even after marriage
• Shared goals that keep the couple looking forward to new things
• Marriage taking the highest priority

Growing together is the key to keeping a marriage happy and healthy. Are you game for it?

So, if you cannot make time for or cannot afford regular marriage counseling, you can go for a single-session counseling? Does that even make sense? Is the counselor God to solve your marriage problems in a couple of hours? No. He/she is not God. And he/she won’t solve your problems for you. However, the counselor will help you resolve your conflicts.

A single-session of counseling does help. For starters, it helps break the ice. And the fact that both of you agreed to go for counseling says a lot. It says that you and your spouse are willing to make your marriage work. That’s a great start, right? Let’s look at how exactly the single session helps.

According to Jacqueline Summers, renowned psychologist and relationship counselor, one session intensive counseling will teach you to:

• Rebuild Trust
• Resolve conflicts in a collaborative way
• Heal past hurts and wounds
• Use powerful communication skills

Your willingness, along with the counselor’s experienced advice will definitely help bring a positive change in your mindsets, thereby helping you bring positive changes in your relationship. The first, and in the case of single-session counseling, the main counseling session opens your eyes to the state of your relationship. It helps understand what went wrong in your relationship and how you can improve your relationship.

If your relationship is in really bad state, don’t let it go before trying just one session of counseling; you will be surprised at the results. So, do give it a try before you call it quits.

What is better – sulking or talking it out? Now, sulking can never be good. Talking it out helps, almost all the time, and yet, there are times we find ourselves without company and keep problems to ourselves. If you are keeping your marriage problems to yourself and sulking, you need to find out company now. Where? I will tell you just that in today’s post. So, read on.

Have you ever visited the Talk About Marriage forum? Is there a forum like that? Yes, there is, and it is a very useful one too. How? Let’s talk about how the forum works. You register yourself on this forum, and start discussing your concerns with other people who are going through the same trials as you.

Some people may be able to give you great advice while others will empathize with you. No matter what, you get to talk it out people. Posts on the forum are rated by the members of the forum. So, you can choose to browse through only the highly rated posts as they are likely to have better advice.

While talking it out is helpful in more ways than one, you should not treat it as an alternative to counseling. If your marriage is in bad state, go for marriage counseling instead of just counting on the advice on the forum. Treat the forum as a club where you meet friends and talk about problems with them. But you cannot let the group of friends replace an expert counselor, can you?

Saving a relationship is not enough if you don’t try to make it work. There are times when couples approach a relationship counselor when their marriage or relationship is on the verge of a break-up and never seek follow up advice to keep their relationship going smoothly. While they understand the importance of saving their relationship, they do not realize that they have to put some effort into it in order to prevent problems in future.

Dr. Marty Tashman, renowned marriage and family therapist, popularly known as Dr. Marty, says:

Some people say to me “Are you in favor of saving the marriage?” My answer to them is: “Yes, as long as it is not physically and emotionally destructive to either of you.” Relationships are one of the most important things in our lives and it’s not always easy to get along with so many difficult situations that arise.
During my 34 years of being a marriage counselor, I have learned that there are many things we can do to help couples with problems. I can teach you how to: improve communications, deal with emotional pain, and anger.

Dr. Tashman has over 30 years of experience in counseling people. He lists three essential steps in relationship counseling:

One – We get the problems, issues, and resentments out in the open and in a safe and productive place.
Two – We deal with the disappointments, resentments and anger.
I will also show you how to: rebuild your friendship and deal with different points of view.
Three – I will teach you how to build a new relationship, a relationship with: trust, understanding, kindness, fun, and love.

You can get in touch with Dr. Marty at yourmarriagecounselor.com.

A term that’s revolutionizing the world of marriage counseling these days is marriage fitness. An alternative to conventional counseling, marriage fitness approaches marital conflicts from a different perspective.

So, what is marriage fitness? And, is your marriage “fit”? Let’s find out.

Marriage fitness is a term coined by Mort Fertel. Fertel is the author and founder of the Marriage Fitness System for Relationship Renewal. Here’s how Fertel describes marriage fitness:

Marriage Fitness is an innovative step-by-step relationship-changing system that teaches you how to save your marriage. You’ll learn to neutralize your problems and put into practice a system of relationship habits that will shift the momentum of your marriage. And the best news is—you don’t have to dig into your past, dredge up your problems, or practice communication techniques. This is not marriage counseling; it’s Marriage Fitness!

The concept behind the term is the aim making your marriage fit and happy. Conventional techniques often make people think that their relationship is a failure and that’s why they are working towards saving it. Marriage fitness, on the other hand, tries to bring small positive changes in the relationship irrespective of its state.

So, how can you be sure if your marriage is fit? Well, your marriage is fit to an extent if you want to improve it. It can become fitter with your efforts. And Fertel’s advice is simple. He suggest simple and easy ways to bring changes in your day-to-day lives. Subscribe to his marriage fitness tips over e-mail, and you will learn that it is in your control to improve the state of your relationship.

“I screamed at my husband yesterday. I said the most hurtful things. Do you think I need therapy?”

I overheard someone saying this to a friend in a restaurant a couple of months ago. I smiled as I passed by the table. Why? Because I knew that the person and her spouse are one of the happier couples around.

When a spouse regrets having misbehaved, it suggests the relationship is a healthy one. However, I was amused at the latter part of what I heard. Do you think the lady I overheard needed therapy? No, she didn’t. She had repented on her behavior, and the reason she thought of therapy was because she wanted to make their relationship better.

Irrespective of how you have behaved with your spouse over the last few days or months, if you think you were wrong, there is hope that your relationship can be better. But if you are counting on mere apologies, you are wrong. While apologies help improve things for the initial moments, it is your follow-up actions that determine the sincerity of your apologies. If you apologized for screaming, make a conscious effort over the next few days not to scream. If you apologized for having missed paying bills, make it a point to pay them on time from then on.

While these apologies are minor ones and can be followed up by corrective action, there is another very severe kind of apology – the apology after having strayed away. You had an affair. You apologized, having realized it was a mistake, or you apologized after you were caught. You say your apology is sincere, but there is no way you can prove that with any actions. People apologize to heal a hurt heart, but sometimes the pain is too big to be healed by a series of ‘sorries’. What do you do then? You approach a marriage counselor.

If you can, convince your spouse to join you in counseling. If you cannot, you go there on your own. But you have got to take action if you want to save your marriage. And saving your marriage does not mean staying under the same roof but being happy together under the same roof.

Keep watching this space for more discussion on relationships and counseling.

Would you believe me if I told you that marriage counseling is potentially for every couple? Of course, you wouldn’t believe me. But let me back it up with a reason. You cannot deny that every relationship has some scope of improvement. And it is this improvement that couples counseling helps you with. So, irrespective of whether you are a constantly-fighting couple, a couple treating each other silently, or a couple who rarely bickers, seeking help from a counselor is likely to improve your situation. If your relationship is in a bad state, it will become good. If it is already good, it will become better. If it is better than most, it will become all the more pleasant.

So, am I suggesting that you go for couples counseling irrespective of any problems? No, I am not suggesting that. What I suggest is that when you notice signs of trouble or when there is a sudden lull in your relationship, you don’t wait for the situation to vanish on its own. Sometimes, they do, but you cannot count on that probability. Instead, take charge of the situation. I am not asking you to seek an appointment with the counselor at once. Instead, try self-help tips to bring the spark back into your relationship. And only when you feel that your efforts are bringing results, get an appointment with the counselor.

Don’t consider your relationship a failure just because you are going to a counselor. You are not unhealthy just because you visit a doctor; you visit the doctor to remain healthy always. A counselor helps in the same way.

Do you often come across some piece of marriage advice that contradicts something you were told earlier? When there is too much advice floating around from all sorts of sources (counselors, family, friends, neighbors, colleagues etc.), there is bound to be some sort of contradiction. However, the most puzzling sort is the one that comes from those who are considered the authority on marital conflicts and counseling. Take, for example, the advice on handling conflicts.

Most counselors will tell you that it is important not to avoid conflicts if you do not want your relationship to worsen. And there is another unconventional school of thought that says you should leave the conflicts aside and look at your relationship from a new perspective. What do you do in such a case? Who do you listen to?

Diane Sollee, of SmartMarriages.com says, “The number one predictor of divorce is the habitual avoidance of conflict.” And Mort Fertel, founder of the Marriage Fitness System for Relationship Renewal, believes that “tackling marriage problems stress-out a relationship and make a bad marriage worse.” Now, why do these people contradict each other? The truth is that they are not. They are looking at a situation with different perspectives.

While Fertel’s marriage fitness program suggests you get out of the problem-solving mode to pay attention to smaller things in your marriage, SmartMarriages.com says that you cannot shirk your problems indefinitely. The seemingly contradicting advice focuses on one thing: communication. Putting the problems under the carpet and not making any effort to improve the relationship cannot be right. Similarly, if you get too involved in solving the big problems while doing nothing else to improve the relationship, you are not doing it right.

The key to understanding contradicting advice is by finding out the underlying reason dictating the advice. When you understand the whys of the advice, you will able to use the advice more effectively.

It’s in small things that you find great pleasures in your life. Imagine calling up a friend after years and he/she readily agrees for a drink with you in the evening. Imagine asking your spouse to cook a certain dish or mow the lawn and see the work done by evening. Imagine the hug your kid gives you when you let him/her watch television for a little longer. In our effort to achieve the bigger things in life, we often forget the smaller ones that have the power to make your day. In marriage, too, we often tend to look at the expectations we have of each other, not the small gestures we showed when we were falling in love.

A marriage counselor cannot tell you how to bring back the small pleasures in your life. Of course, he/she will make you familiar with the big picture and show you the way to make your marriage happy, but it is up to you to bring small pleasures back into your life. Mort Fertel’s marriage advice revolves around these small things.

Now, a small gesture will not make a revolutionary change in your marriage, but it will definitely bring a small tide of positive change. In one of his articles, Fertel suggests you have a ‘Yes’ day for your spouse. Agree to everything he/she says. Whether it’s making a drink of his/her choice, switching to his/her favorite program on TV, doing the laundry, or picking up kids from school, do everything you are asked to. Your spouse is bound to feel pampered at the end of the day.

Remember, simple relationship tips go a long way in making a strong foundation for your marriage.

The world says, “Nothing comes free!” And if somebody offers you free advice, it is either considered unsolicited or non-useful advice. Marriage advice comes free only from friends and family, and it is something we do not give much importance to. Never do you see a relationship expert giving advice for free. Oh wait, there is an exception, and he is known as Mort Fertel.

Fertel is the founder of the Marriage Fitness System for Relationship Renewal. What he offers is referred to as an alternative to counseling. And Fertel offers extensive and effective free advice on improving your relationship.

Fertel’s expertise on relationships has come from his personal experience dealing with problems in his marriage. Marriage counseling didn’t help him and his wife much, so they took to fixing their marriage on their own shoulders, and they succeeded. Fertel advocates something called marriage fitness where he goads couples into focusing on the health of the relationship.

Fertel’s marriage fitness advice is unlike the conventional counseling advice. His free 7-day advice over e-mail is worth checking out. It helps you look into things you may already know with a fresh perspective. Fertel calls it the ‘7 Secrets to Fixing Your Marriage.’

If you are unsure about conventional marriage counseling, you can try Fertel’s marriage fitness program. Start with subscribing to the advice over e-mail. You will experience a difference in perspective just after seven days. In your enthusiasm of getting good advice, don’t subscribe your spouse too. Let him/her make that decision independently. After all, free advice loses its value if it is unsolicited.

There is a general perception that the ones whose relationship is on the rocks go for counseling. This feeling has made its corollary a popular perception: counseling is for those whose relationships are on the verge of a breakdown. Does the thought of counseling, thus, make you feel like a failure?

I know many couples who try to sort out their conflicts with the help of their friends and families. While that is all fine, they never seek professional marriage counseling because they don’t want to be tagged as a failure. One must understand that counseling is not for failed relationships; instead, it’s to prevent relationships from failing. However, this thought hasn’t received acceptance with all sections of the society.

Are you wary of counseling because it makes you feel like a failure? Now, it is true that you cannot come to trust a stranger (your counselor) at once. Imagine being faced with an illness. Would you rather keep trying home remedies or seek a doctor’s help? You trust the doctor because you feel he/she knows his/her job. The relationship counselor knows his/her job too. Don’t wait for your relationship to make it worse before seeking help. Seek help when you see signs of trouble.

You must understand that by seeking counseling preemptively, you are just being smart. You are ensuring that your relationship never becomes labeled as a failed one. You are going to your counselor not to save your relation but to make it better. And there is scope for improvement even in the ‘almost perfect’ relationships!

There is so much hullabaloo over premarital counseling these days. Is is that important? Isn’t counseling for resolving conflicts? Why should a couple seek counseling before marriage, when there is no apparent problem? After all, the time before the wedding is so much like a fairy tale.

Now, if you ask someone who is about the get married his/her feelings about the marriage, you are likely to hear one of the two extreme responses: nervous or excited. Now, premarital counseling may make sense for the ones suffering from pre-wedding jitters. But why is it so highly recommended for everyone who is about to say ‘I Do’? Because it is a preemptive measure to avoid problems that may arise later in the marriage.

But what could possibly go wrong when everything seems so pleasant right now? The truth is that we do not discuss many important subjects during our courtship days. Not because we don’t care about them but more because such things don’t occur to us at that time. However, differences of many kind come to surface once you enter matrimony. Individual differences, family differences, religious views, political opinions, family goals – anything can cause conflict.

Premarital counseling helps avoid these potential conflicts. It introduces you to different aspects of your beloved’s personality. You get to understand each other’s goals about life, marriage, and family. You learn to respect the differences in mindsets. Premarital counseling helps make a strong foundation of your marital life.

When you are making so much effort in making your wedding perfect, you can make a little more effort to make your marriage perfect.

What is the first thing that pops into your head when you hear about infidelity counseling? Most probably, you may think about the age-old question: can a marriage survive infidelity? The answer to this question is ‘yes’, but it doesn’t mean all marriages will survive it.

Infidelity is painful for the spouse who has been cheated, and apologies are not enough to heal the pain. The one who has erred is also clueless, usually, as to how to revive the marriage. A marriage has chances of survival after infidelity only if the two partners are willing to make it work. And the one who has been cheated may not even be sure if he/she has the will. It takes a lot of time for the pain to take a backseat. And infidelity counseling helps.

Here’s what Arlene Foreman, renowned couples counselor, has to say about relationships coping with infidelity:

Couples can recover from infidelity if they are willing to work on their relationship, despite the anger and hurt that they feel now. First, they need to recognize that they have unresolved issues, as well as the infidelity itself. With help, they can move past the pain and the blame and start working on the issues that led up to the infidelity.

Arlene says that apologies are never enough. She is right; it requires both partners to look at the big picture of their relationship to understand why something happened and what will it take to make sure it never happens again.

If your relationship has suffered a setback because of an affair, seek counseling to try to understand your relationship better.

What do you do when you get angry?

1. Take it out on the source of your anger
2. Try to hold it for the time being and make your spouse/partner your vent later in the day
3. Unable to do anything about it, get agitated on yourself
4. Plan to take revenge from the one who caused the anger

Most of us will choose one answer from the list given here. However, none of these is the right way to deal with anger. It is not simple to explain what the right way is, but it definitely involves two things: calming yourself down and thinking about the repercussions of your angry reaction.

Anger not only destroys your peace but also spoils your close relationship. And if you get angry frequently, you need to do something about it. More often than not, your spouse/partner or a friend will tell you that you have an anger management problem. Don’t shirk away their concerns. If they have been saying it too often, there is a problem.

Dr. Masty Tashman, acclaimed marriage and family therapist, mentions a five-step approach to controlling your anger.

• Rate yourself on Dr. Marty’s “Anger Scale”. On a scale of 1 – 10 rate how angry you are: (1) being mildly angry to (10) being intensely upset and out of control.
• Step back from the angering event and calm yourself.
• Understand the anger’s origin
• Think about how these angry feelings have left you with a sense of loss of control – (Only do this after 20 to 30 minutes after doing steps 1 and 2.)
• Develop a plan about how you can regain control.

Remember, your anger is one of the major factors that have the potential to ruin your relationship. If you cannot control it on your own, seek therapy.

You have been told counseling helps when you cannot improve your relationship on your own. But how does counseling help? What can you learn through counseling? Can a third person really solve your relationship conflicts? The answer to these questions is that counseling can work for you if you are willing to make it work.

In an earlier post, we told you that you need to have willingness, motivation, commitment, and faith in order to make counseling work in your favor. What exactly do you learn through counseling anyway? According to couple counselors in Philadelphia, you’ll learn how to:

• understand and comfort your partner even when you disagree.
• tell your partner what you want instead of expecting your partner to know.
• stand your ground when it matters.
• show support for your partner’s goals.
• listen to your partner with your heart.
• show affection.
• heal each other with LACE (Love, Appreciation, Compassion, Empathy).
• understand how a sincere intention to change can make a significant difference in your marriage.

Now, you may wonder if the focus is on making your partner feel loved, I should tell you that since this is for both of you, you end up making each other feel good. Moreover, giving love doesn’t only help you get love but also makes you feel satisfied.

Counseling will help you look at your relationship with a new perspective. And it will help you understand your partner’s views, ideas, and goals related to your relationship. Seek counseling even if you think it’s late. You will be surprised to find out that it is never too late to make your relationship better.

How much time do you spend on the Internet on a daily basis? If you are a tech-savvy, new-age man/woman, you may find the virtual world just an extension of your real. Most of us are hard pressed for time these days, so much so that we don’t want to invest some time improving our relationships. Now, imagine getting help on your relationship while you are online. Wouldn’t it be great? And you wouldn’t even feel that you had to take out time for this.

Online couple counseling is a great thing for couples who either don’t have time or are hesitant to visit a counselor in person. How exactly does online counseling work? Well, there are different forms in which it is offered. One kind is where you talk to a counselor online. In another form, the communication happens through e-mails. In yet another form, you are just required to read e-mails and not respond to them (Mort Fertel’s “7 Secrets for How to Save a Marriage”).

Your choice of online counseling will depend on what you need. And how will you decide that? If you are interested in consulting a counselor but cannot manage a visit, go for one-to-one online counseling where you get to discuss your situation with the counselor. If, on the other hand, you are looking for expert guidance to improve your relationship on your own, go for e-mail subscription-based counseling like Fertel’s e-mail program.

Online counseling is perfect for current times when people are trying to squeeze in a number of things in their day. It is important you don’t forsake counseling just because you don’t have the time.

Do you fear going out and revealing it all to a complete stranger? Not everyone is comfortable with marriage counseling, and I understand that it is really not easy to open up in front of someone.

Now, imagine getting expert help even without having to reveal your situation or even your complete identity to an expert. In our earlier posts, we discussed how phone counseling helps couples who are hesitant to visit a counselor. Today, we will talk about a different kind of expert help.

Self-help in order to improve your relationship need not be done all alone. An expert can help you here as well. And you don’t even have to reveal all about yourself to the expert. If this is not making sense to you, let me introduce you to Mort Fertel’s Marriage Fitness program. Now, Fertel is one to believe that a couple needs to focus on the fitness of the marriage in order to make it happy.

Mort Fertel’s marriage fitness program lets you start on your own, at your own convenience. So, even if you are hesitant, you can subscribe for the ’7 Secrets for How to Save a Marriage’ over e-mail. What do you have to pay for that? Zilch. Yes, this comes to you absolutely free of cost.

Fertel can help you in more ways: the marriage fitness tele-boot camp, marriage fitness home flex, 1-on-1 private sessions, marriage fitness audio learning program, audio testimonials, video testimonials, written testimonials, and TV testimonials.

Mort Fertel is known to have come up with the marriage fitness program from his own experience, and therefore, he has a genuine touch in his advice.

Do you ever find the information on this blog overwhelming? After all, we hand over a new piece of advice or information to you on relationships everyday. Standalone information may be good but cumulative information always makes you get a better perspective. So, in today’s post, we bring to you points that we have discussed in the last few posts.

• It is important to avoid the four horsemen of the relationship apocalypse (criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling) for a healthy relationship.

• Introspect about your contribution to the problems in your relationship. Do to your partner what you want done to yourself. If you are in the habit of shaming and criticizing your partner, you are just spoiling your relationship.
• Strive to make your relationship healthy. A healthy relationship is one that showcases the following attributes: friendship, humor, communication, chore sharing, sexual intimacy, affection, no “Horsemen of the Apocalypse”, mutual and separate friends, reliability, and relationship vision.
• Experience the different kinds of sparks in your marriage. If you think the spark is missing in your marriage, you are just looking in the wrong place. Of course, you cannot have the spark of the first touch or the first kiss, but emotional comfort will bring in sparks that is not present in a new relationship.
• Marriage is an exclusive relationship. It is important to understand that marriage is unlike any other relationship. Expressions of love, affection, and appreciation are important to make a marriage work.
• Your relationship should provide you an emotional haven. You should strive to make your relationship such that your partner finds emotional safety in it.
• Anxiety can affect relationships. If you or your partner remains anxious more than often, your relationship is bound to be affected adversely. Seek anxiety therapy if the problem seems to go out of hand.
• Counseling will work for you only if you are willing to make it work. Your willingness and the commitment to make your relationship work is what will make counseling work. Therefore, participate in counseling and don’t expect the counselor to handle everything on his/her own.

Hope this post helped you get a bigger picture of your relationship.