The Marriage Counseling Blog

For many couples, especially those going through a particularly difficult time, the success of a long term marriage seems more like a dream than a possibility. It is common to hear troubled couples refer to others who have been married for 40 years or more to chalk it up to being “soul mates, “ and then to mourn the fact that they have obviously not found their soul mate.

While the personality types within some couples do give them a natural advantage when it comes to solving conflicts, the reality is that there is no magical “soul mate” solution that they have found. Upon serious and introspective discussion, you will find that those couples who have been together for decades didn’t happen upon a magical solution, but rather accepted the fact that marriage is both work and pleasure. The long term success of a marriage requires a commitment of self that isn’t easy, nor is it meant to be. If it was easy, than every couple would be married forever, happily.

Even the best of couples, those that seem to have it all, have had difficult times in their relationship that required Marriage Therapy in order to work things out. A serious commitment to each other sometimes means seeking outside assistance in order to get over a particularly difficult time.

The next time you are envying a couple that has obviously been together for decades, take a moment to realize the work that they have put into their relationship and the realistic probability that even they had to seek out marriage therapy in order to reach that level of happiness.

One of the most beneficial aspects of attending couples therapy sessions is the ability to learn that you are not alone in how you feel, relate or react. Couples therapy allows couples in many different stages of relationships to see that there are hills and valleys to every partnership and many of those are predicable stages in a relationship.

Understanding that your relationship has its ups and downs helps you see that they are a part of a normal cycle and move you closer to a healthier, happier relationship.

The first stage discussed was the Romance, or Honeymoon Stage, characterized by a sense of extreme happiness, newness, excitement and positivism. The next stage in the Relationship Cycle was the Reality Stage, which is the time when the rose colored glasses are off and you see, often for the first time, the negative aspects of your partner.

The next stage for many couples is the Childrearing Stage

The Childrearing Stage is when the arrival of your little bundles of joy cause a massive transition in your relationship with your partner. Whereas the focus of your relationship has always been on each other, there is a new dynamic with children that creates its own focal point.

With the arrival of children, there is a dramatic increase in the amount of work and distraction that takes the spotlight off the couple and places it on the family. Few families find themselves adequately prepared for this transitional time.

It is important for couples in this stage to intentionally plan time for themselves, as a couple, in order to keep their intimacy and partnership bonded.

Couples Therapy can help you deal with the many stages of your relationship.

Counselors that specialize in relationship therapy are well versed in the commonly accepted five stages that characterize a normal long term relationship. Counselors can use this knowledge to help educate couples who believe they are alone in dealing with the issues, thoughts and troubles that are found in these stages. Understanding that their relationship and its ups and downs are a part of a normal cycle is a key step in helping many couples move on with a healthier, happier relationship.

The first stage discussed was the Romance, or Honeymoon Stage, characterized by a sense of extreme happiness, newness, excitement and positivity.

The next stage in the Relationship Cycle is the Reality Stage. It is, quite literally, when the reality of it all hits home.

The Reality Stage

In this stage, couples are passing by the initial rush of excitement and desire that characterized their relationship previously and entering into a more predictable routine. Many of the issues faced in this stage seem out of line with the assumptions that they had built about one another earlier. The distancing that seemed slightly mysterious before now comes across as an irritating habit of avoidance. The witty conversationalist becomes a partner who never seems to stop talking. The negative aspects of traits that were once amusing and interesting now play a larger role.

Oftentimes there is a dramatic increase in feelings of disappointment and eventually isolation. This is a challenging stage that many couples simply do not overcome and is the stage with a very high risk of relationship failure. Misinterpreting this very normal transitional stage for incompatibility is a common reaction.

There are many different types of therapists to help people with marital or relationship problems, personal mental health issues or family concerns. There is no perfect therapy type that will help all situations and problems. There is, however, such a variety of therapies that you will be able to find the right type available for you.

Here are just a few of the therapy types available:

• Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT)
  Cognitive-behavioral therapy is just as its name implies – a combination of cognitive and behavioral therapy practices. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, also known as CBT, delves into the exploration of both thinking patterns and the behaviors that accompany them. These behaviors are often self destructive. This therapy then attempts to change the thinking patterns along with changing the behavior in order to heal and move on.
• Psychodynamic Psychotherapy
  Psychodynamic psychotherapy is sometimes called Ego Psychology. It is used as a way to help clients understand themselves more fully. By doing this, the reasoning goes, you will be better able to understand your often unconscious reactions to situations and work towards resolving internal conflicts that are barring you from a healthy lifestyle.

  Many childhood issues and traumas become major problem areas well into adulthood. Conflicts include low self-esteem, anxiety or quick anger to issues that aren’t comparative to such a reaction.

If you are looking for the right counselor to help you achieve your relationship or mental health healing, remember to inquire about what kind of therapy the counselor offers and which may be right for your situation.

Many Couples Counseling experts agree that there are relatively predictable stages to long term relationships. It is important to note that not all relationships include a legal vow of marriage so while these stages are traditionally called “Martial Stages” they are actually defining stages for couples who have been together long term.

Understanding the different stages that a long term relationship generally goes through is a way to help couples realize that they are not alone in dealing with the issues, thoughts and troubles that are found in these stages. Knowing they are not alone helps a couple understand that their relationship and its ups and downs are a part of a normal cycle and not a reason to call it quits.

If you approach these stages as a map then your understanding of them will serve you as a guide to traversing the sometimes difficult terrain of a lifelong committed relationship.

The Five Basic Stages of Long Term Relationships

• The Romance, or Honeymoon Stage
• The Reality Stage
• The Childrearing Stage
• The Accommodation Stage
• The Success, or Transformation Stage

Here is a brief description of the Romance Stage

The Romance Stage, sometimes called the Honeymoon Stage or the Infancy stage, is by far the most discussed and studied. This makes sense when you consider that, as it is the first stage, most everyone has felt it and experienced it. It’s popular because it is both common and exciting. Yes, it’s a great ride, but keep in mind that most everyone who wants to ride gets a ticket.

In this stage, there is a feeling of well-being and physical desire for each other. This feeling is intense, with all the newness and excitement stimulated by the production of chemicals in your bodies that increase energy and positive attitudes as well as heighten sexuality and sensuality. It is common for couples in this stage to commit to each other permanently.

Communication between partners as a marriage is breaking down can be varied. The type of communication that gets the most obvious attention is anger and fighting. Fighting, arguing and general viciousness to one another are some of most common talking points on marriage discussion forums and boards. Its easy to give the loudness and most obvious sign of trouble all of the attention. After all, its very noticeable, obviously hurtful to everyone around and inevitably an easy target for discussion. It isn’t, however, the most common breakdown in communication.

Communication Breakdowns

For many couples, there is very little, if any, of the anger and fighting that is a hallmark of a relationship in trouble. Instead, that highly visible issue is dwarfed by the deafening silence of a lack of any communication at all. A couple who fights is still relating to one another, albeit badly and negatively, but a couple who spend their everyday lives without acknowledging the other is avoiding any relation at all.

In order to break the cycle of living with a ghost, you first have to get your partner’s attention. If you’ve been trying to get your spouse’s attention the same way that you’ve been trying to, unsuccessfully, for so long then it’s time to change things up. Try sending your partner notes or letters, emails or voicemails. Don’t try to start a conversation during moments where there are enough distractions to help them continue to tune you out such as in front of the TV.

Look for inventive ways to get your partner’s attention and get relating again.

More relationships have been doomed as a result of false expectations than any other reason. In the beginning, it is both common and normal to see the world, your relationship and your partner through “rose colored glasses.” Actually, it would be difficult to not succumb to the romantic feelings of joy, adventure and happiness when a relationship is in its beginning stages. That reaction is both physiological and chemical.

The “haze of new love” is not, however, the same thing as the false expectations that eventually take a dramatic toll on many relationships. Many couples understand that they are dealing with the happiness that comes with new love and marriage and also take into consideration that this feeling will pass. They understand that they must develop and nurture a deeper connection based on real emotions, interests and bonds.

False Expectations

False expectations happen when a couple builds their entire relationship on the feelings they had from the start and expect them to always remain the same. Nothing, no matter how exciting, retains that same level of excitement over thousands of days and many, many years. For couples who are victims of false expectations, the reality of dealing with the passing of that first feeling of excitement is met with mourning, disappointment and anger.

If you have found yourself the victim of the-grass-is-always-greener-on-the-other-side mentality in many of your previous relationships, it is perhaps because you have believed in the myths associated with true love. As the glow of a new relationship fades, you turn to another. Couples Counseling is one way to understand this negative cycle and stop it before it ruins your relationship.

One-Session Couples Counseling can be highly rewarding and effective.

Choose between a two-hour extended session at $200 or a four-hour intensive at $395.

A two-hour session allows time to express pent-up feelings and to learn powerful communication skills in a safe, supportive session. Often a few crucial insights
can dramatically change the direction a relationship is headed.  Of course, a follow-up session, either at $125 for 45-minutes or an extended session for $200, is always available.

A half-day intensive can be a satisfying and empowering experience when seemingly unsolvable conflicts have been piling up and igniting into explosive arguments,
when there has been infidelity, or when one partner wants to leave.  Repairing a relationship on the rocks deserves ample time to get to the heart of the matter, to recover from the
devastation, and to build a stronger relationship.  There is ample time to learn and practice new skills, set goals for the changes you desire, and go home with a plan.

While many couples choose a half-day intensive because they are in crisis, others just want to get a jump-start on turning their relationship around.  Some are unable to
come on a regular basis because of lack of time or finances.  All welcome the opportunity to have a long block of time to work through their issues,  Many travel three or four hours to reach our office and leave feeling excited and eager to practice their new skills. This in-depth counseling session is private and tailored specifically for you.

Experience what many couples have found to be a satisfying, comfortable, cost-effective, time-efficient way to nourish and heal their relationship. For intensive marriage counseling in Philadelphia and surrounding areas contact Jacqueline Summers.

Most of us say things that we don’t mean in the heat of an argument, even though we are all aware of the power that words have to hurt and scar. In the early days of a marriage there is usually still a hazy and warm environment of love. This environment helps shield new couples from the more difficult and occasionally ugly facets of a relationship. At one point or another, however, the reality of the relationship and all of its shortcomings and miracles come into a clearer focus. As faults and habits take on a razor-sharp clarity in the psyche of each spouse, the language used in arguing also takes on a sharper edge. For some couples, this means that the “D” word is brought up in the course of a regular, typical argument and not in a situation that warrants the calm discussion on the future of the marriage.

Words Hurt

When couples begin to habitually mention the “D” word in their arguments, the damage this causes is on many levels. Firstly, when it is one spouse continually saying it, it creates and atmosphere of anxiety and fear. Because it isn’t followed through on, it is essentially being used as a threat. Threats have no place in an adult marriage.

Desensitizing

Another way that the habitual use of the “D” word during arguments is damaging is the eventual desensitizing effect that is created. Used enough, even the most horrifying words eventually fail to have a real effect. The word takes on the meaning of just another hurtful phrase during an argument.

Marriage Counseling is one way to help you stop threatening and start healing.

Family Therapists have long recommended the bonding process of family rituals to increase communication and create lasting and supporting relationships. There are as many different family rituals as there are families, and no one set of rituals will mean the same thing to everyone.

Family Rituals

• Sports: In a family for whom sports is a priority, a family ritual might involve getting everyone together after supper to enjoy a family game of soccer or evens something as simple as a game of catch. Millions of important conversations have passed between a parent and child while playing ball in the backyard. While the physical body is busy, the mental focus can relax and open up about the day’s events and questions.
• Family Mealtime: One of the most common family rituals is the act of eating together as a family and talking about the events of the day. Family supper gives each individual member the ability to discuss their concerns, events and important thoughts as well as the opportunity to hear about what’s important to others. These interactions promote an environment of commonality, communication, understanding and, above all, support.
• New Schedules, New Rituals: Many families with older children lead incredibly busy lives that force them to schedule suppertime around sports activities, homework and community activities. While family supper was easy to have 4 to 6 times a week when the children were younger, it can be almost impossible as they become older and more involved with their individual lives. In that case, find a time and an activity that you can still do together.

If your family has found itself growing further and further apart, either resurrect an old family ritual or begin a new one that is more in tune with the activities that you all enjoy.

For many, the ability of a Couples Counselor to “speak your language” means that it is important to you that finding a counselor with the same basic values and belief system as yourself. Many couples in need of therapy contact numerous counselors before they find the right one to help them fix their relationship. For some couples, though, “speaking their language” is a literal obstacle.

The Language Barrier:

The high growth of immigrants and people with work visas has highlighted the concern for finding a counselor who has the ability to fluently converse in the same language. If you think about how difficult it is to relay simple information to someone who barely speaks your language, imagine how hard it is to communicate deep-seated issues and concerns with that same language barrier. Important information is lost in the translation and little help can be achieved.

The Cultural Gap:

Beyond a simple language barrier, the issue of cultural upbringing is also a key point in seeking out a couples counselor. Speaking the same language does not always mean that your counselor will have an understanding of your culture and its special nuances. Everything from religion to the separation of sexual roles can play vitally important parts in the healing of your relationship, so it is important that you find a counselor who understands. Socio-political background and conservative verses liberal cultures often have to be addressed in counseling.

For many people, finding the right couples counselor means finding a counselor who speaks your language and is familiar with your culture and beliefs.

One of the most difficult scenarios encountered in family therapy is therapy initiated to deal with a loss. The death of a family member, be it something that already happened or a death that is unavoidable and coming soon, is an unbearable stress for most families to deal with on their own without outside support. It is no surprise that there is a very high divorce rate in families with long-term illnesses. There is also a high illness rate in other family members as mental stress takes on a physical role.

For many families with loved ones who are dying from a long-term illness, the stressors on so many individuals are simply overwhelming. Whereas one family member could turn to the other for support during an individual crisis, a whole-family crisis means that everyone is dealing with grief, anger and loss and cannot fully support others while trying to support themselves, too.

In essence, it is often impossible for one family member to provide the physical, emotional, spiritual, social and financial support necessary for all family members.

The role of Family Therapist in Loss

The role of a family therapist in these instances is to help support and address all members of the family and assist them in gradually moving forward through a natural mourning process. There are almost always both negative and positive memories and feelings about the loved one who is passing on, bringing both anger and guilt into an already volatile emotional environment. Many people need to hear that it is natural and normal to feel these varied emotions. Working with a family therapist to deal with long-term illness and loss is one of the ways that families deal with the grieving process and learn to create an environment of acceptance and support for one another.

Family therapy is often the last resource brought out to help families dealing with conflict. Whereas marriage counseling and couples counseling is therapy designed to focus on a relationship, family counseling helps entire families identify and resolve their conflicts.

Falling out of love and financial woes or infidelity are the types of issues most often seen in marriage counseling. However they are not the common scenarios in the office of a family therapist. There are many issues that put immense stress on families, including a health crisis, teenage rebellion, substance and alcohol abuse, mental health problems, and domestic violence are all issues that are seen often in family therapy sessions.

What is Family Therapy?

Family therapy is a type of psychotherapy that helps families or individuals within a family unit understand and improve the way they interact with each other. By improving communication and understanding as well as finding the correct avenue of help for individuals, family therapy helps families resolve their conflicts with lasting changes in behavior and interaction.

Family therapy is usually provided by therapists who are known as marriage and family therapists. This type of therapist provides the same mental health services as other therapists but with a specific focus and expertise on family relationships.

How long does Family Therapy last?

Like many therapy types, Family Therapy is often short term and used to help a family resolve a crisis in order to improve their communication and relating styles.. Typically lasting three to six months as a whole, your family would attend sessions once a week. More intensive support is sometimes needed and, in some cases, families may need more intensive treatment. The treatment plan, including duration and any individual therapy, will depend on your family’s specific situation and the effort put into rebuilding the family structure.

Initiating the discussion about marriage counseling often serves as a pivotal moment in a relationship. By that point, many couples have been unhappy and dissatisfied for an extended period of time. Any behavior that continues that long essentially becomes a habit, and the state of not relating to one another is habit of consistent behavior with no end in sight until someone takes the initiative to halt it in its tracks.

The sudden jolt that the habits and behavioral pattern has been stopped is more than enough to put all equilibrium aside and knock everyone off balance.

This is what Wes had to say:

We had been arguing and unhappy for so long that I realized it was just going to continue that way. Neither one of us wanted a divorce, but we had stopped being married at the same time. Everything was falling apart and I didn’t want to live that way anymore. I waited, stupidly, to see if Amy would bring up marriage counseling, but she didn’t. I finally brought it up myself. When I told her that I wanted us to get counseling, she just looked at me, stunned. I didn’t think she heard me, so I said it again. She just kind of quietly said “Okay. I’ll set it up.” We didn’t even argue in the days before our first session. I think we were both thinking about how it would change.

Marriage Counseling is a choice that has to be made by both parties involved, however, it takes someone to be first, to talk about it and to initiate that change.

Experienced marriage counselors have dealt with many common themes and scenarios that enter into their doors. For every couple that hesitates to talk about a specific subject or issue, chances are that at least two other couples have shared that same issue in that same office. Very seldom are there surprises in store for an experienced therapist.

Maggie, a marriage counselor for 15 years, found herself in the somewhat unique situation of being surprised by a couple that she was meeting with for the second time.

I had seen Joan and Richie for their initial session the week before. They had been married for 5 years and had just seemed to lose touch with each other. We talked about what they had felt when they first met and what issues they felt they had now. They expressed a clear disassociation with the emotions that they had felt when they were first dating. I asked them to think about the reasons that got them together in the first place, and how they felt initially.

The next week, Joan brought in a copy of their wedding vows, which they had written themselves. Richie hadn’t know that she brought them, and when she read them out loud you could almost see the connections with their past selves starting to spark again. The changes in their behavior and how they approached their relationship changed dramatically after that session. I was completely surprised at the changes initiated by reading those vows. It’s now one of the things I occasionally recommend to patients when the need is there.

Emotional connections and the drive to heal a troubled marriage are what brings most people to marriage counseling, but occasionally, even the counselors are pleasantly surprised by the strength of their patients.

The questions asked in a Couples Counseling session are designed to not only give the counselor a better feel for the relationship that they will partner in trying to heal, but to give the couple themselves a chance to really hear their partner’s answers. Often there is a time of “hedging” in these initial counseling sessions where one or both in the couple don’t answer the questions as truthfully as they should in fear of hurting their partner. Other times, however, brutal honesty can take a partner by surprise.

Carla and Jay had been together for 12 years when they entered into couples counseling. Their counselor asked them a typical relationship counseling question, “How would you rate your relationship satisfaction, on a scale of 1 to 10, with 10 being the highest.”

Here were their answers:

Carla
7

Jay

3

Jay’s answer to that question was simply not the answer that Carla had expected to hear. While both had expressed unhappiness and dissatisfaction, the depth of Jay’s unhappiness had not been, until that moment, quantified in a way that Carla understood. Carla’s surprise at the forcefulness of Jay’s answer eventually led her to understand that while her own level of satisfaction was being partly met, her partner’s were not. Jay was able to understand that she needed to communicate her unhappiness more clearly and define her own needs. Couples counseling was a pathway for both of them to communicate and relate to one another on a level that they both understood.

Many sufferers of anxiety spend their lives in near constant states of worry, fear, and suffering before seeking Anxiety Therapy. For so many of them, their condition has not been met with support or understanding from those around them, which only leads to increased anxiety, which leads to increased outside criticism, which leads to one large and anxious cycle.

Darby spoke about her life before Anxiety Therapy:

I was constantly stressed and worried about everything, right down to being stressed about how stressed I was. My husband and friends all told me I should just stop being a “worry wart” and get over it. If I talked about something I considered worrisome I could see an instant reaction in their eyes. They would just tune me out. “Oh, she’s always that way. She’s always nervous.” They began to treat me like I was crazy, even when it turned out that I was right to worry about some things.

Patients like Darby may be reassured to know that, in research referenced by Arlene Foreman, M.S. on her site AnxietyTreatmentCenter.org, scientists are beginning to study the relationship between high sensitivity to stimuli and survival mechanisms.

In Africa wildlife experts studying antelopes found that about ten percent of them demonstrate more sensitivity to stimuli. They’re the ones that register the approach of a predator and set off a stampede. Without them the herd wouldn’t survive. It turns out that many people with anxiety have the same kind of special gift, but until the anxiety is removed, they don’t realize it. Because so many people with anxiety are extra-sensitive they pick up on signals in the environment that others tend to overlook. When you’re anxious that sensitivity can be crippling; but once the anxiety disappears that sensitivity can be used like a finely honed radar system.

Instead of nervousness, the anxiety felt is considered a gifted sensory system that, like all abilities, needs to be understood, focused, and controlled.

If you are seeking Anxiety Therapy to help you, working with the right therapist can change your perspective and your life.

Large age differences in a marriage are one of the many issues that marriage counselors see often. While an age difference may not seem to be an issue at first, over time, as the marriage begins its “settling” process, the age difference between a couple can be seen as a major obstacle. Keep in mind, however, that age difference can also be used as an easy target for blame when the problem is really just different personalities clashing.

Age differences in a couple can mean differences in lifestyle, tastes and energy level as well as major goals. Often times the older spouse is at a different stage in their career or life and has already past the wants and needs that are central in the younger spouse’s life. This can often lead to one spouse choosing to seek out more and more friends and relationships that fill the needs of their lifestyle, leaving the couple leading separate lives.

Gwen said:

Angel likes to go to work and then come home to relax. That’s it. He doesn’t want to go to the park with the kids or even go out with just me for the night. He’s physically in great shape, but he’s tired all the time. Mentally tired. Honestly, I don’t like to sit home very much. I like to go out and stay busy and active.

Angel said:

Gwen is younger than I am by 17 years. When we met I had no problem keeping up with her and being active, but the past few years I find that I’m happier at home or just talking with the kids or playing catch with them. Gwen wants to go out all the time, and I just don’t. Mentally, I can’t keep up with her frantic pace anymore. I like things quieter.

Angel and Gwen, through marriage counseling, began to better see each other’s perspective on their social and home lives and make some real changes. Gwen realized that her frantic schedule wasn’t making her happy. It was simply her way of getting out of the house and avoiding their deeper issues. Angel recognized that his desire for peace and quiet could be accommodated with regular “me” time and leave time left over to go out with Gwen.

Premarital Counseling is becoming more popular with couples who are older and more knowledgeable about themselves and their lifestyles. Most of these couples understand that a marriage is a long-term process and that happiness together isn’t written in the stars, but something that is worked for right here on earth.

For many younger couples, there is a mistaken belief that premarital counseling of any kind is a precursor to admitting there are problems in the relationship. The happiness and exultation that is felt in the beginning part of a relationship and during the blissful wedding planning stage does not last forever. The fact is, avoidance of any potential issues is not a substitute for dealing with issues together, proactively.

A Center For Marriage Counseling describes the Pre-marital counseling services as:

(Pre-Marital Counseling) teaches self-awareness and empathy coupled with communication and conflict resolution skills. Couples learn to communicate effectively while avoiding destructive tactics like name-calling and withdrawal

The site also references a report that deals directly with the “New Couple Bliss” that often occurs pre-marriage:

Neurobiologists have discovered a chemical released in the brain when a couple falls in love. This chemical, phenylethlamine, functions like an amphetamine, thus explaining superhuman feelings, such as: “I feel like I can walk on air.” “The grass is greener.” “The sky is bluer.” During this stage, couples never seem to tire of one another.
Unfortunately, phenylethlamine highs cannot last. The body builds up a tolerance. Neurobiologists say it takes about four years for the chemical to run its course. Once the chemical is gone, the couple is faced with experiencing the relationship with their own basic brain chemistry

Entering into pre-marital counseling will create a deeper and lasting understanding of how your relationship works and what steps you can take to bring your relationship past the first love stage and into the lasting love stage.

Health conditions can often lead to problems in a marriage that can be addressed in marriage counseling. One of the most common health concerns that can wreak havoc on even a healthy marriage is the simple act of snoring.

Many studies have shown that prolonged snoring often leads to one person abandoning the bedroom and sleeping somewhere else, in the couch or a spare bedroom, for instance. One woman even professed to staying at a local motel when she needed a good night’s sleep that simply wasn’t possible in the small apartment she shared with her husband!

Severe and prolonged snoring is actually symptomatic of larger issues. As it relates to marriage health, snoring can cause sleep deprivation, which invariably and negatively affects a couple’s sexual relationship. Sleep deprivation causes irritability, which then leads to arguments and discord in the marriage.

If you add up the scenario of constant arguments, separate sleeping arrangements and continued irritability, there will of course be a negative affect on the marriage as a whole. The entire issue of habitually using separate bedrooms results in a drastic reduction in physical relationships and sexual intimacy.

If you are concerned that your spouse’s snoring is caused by and causes other health concerns, you should be.

It has been found that, for men who snore, there are higher risks of erectile dysfunctions, heightened blood pressure, and several different cardiac problems and they are all related to prolonged snoring and sleep apnea. All of these are serious health risks that need to be discussed with your physician.

If snoring is a concern in your marriage, consider discussing it with your spouse and your doctor to help get to the bottom of the physical factors. Your marriage counselor can assist you with dealing with snoring’s affect on your marriage.

Many couples in trouble find it immensely beneficial to talk to other couples and their experiences with marriage counseling. The difficulty in such discussions, of course, can be in finding friends and associates who have openly discussed the fact that they attended counseling and also are willing to talk about their experiences.

This situation is one of the ways that online forums have proven to be incredibly helpful to couples who want to talk with others about their counseling experiences.

Online forums offer a portal through which couples can, with relative anonymity, discuss their counseling experiences with others who are interested in the subject and looking into ways that it could possibly help their current relationship.

One poster, discussing her experience with counseling wrote:

He asks a lot of thought provoking questions and really encourages us to answer them. I needed a counselor who could see through my BS

It is interesting to note that this poster also wrote about their first counselor, who was unsupportive with her reactions to the husband’s infidelity. The first counselor considered a man’s infidelity to be a normal rite of passage for men. Obviously, the couple had a much more rewarding experience with their second counselor.

This type of discussion about counseling experience can really help couples in search of a counselor see what kind of experiences others have had and if the results were beneficial or not. This post in particular is helpful in showing others that finding the right counselor is important, and that not every counselor is going to share your belief system, which in turn gives you permission to leave them and find a therapist that works for you.

The patterns of resentment and anger that occur in many relationships are one of the major complaints of people entering into couples counseling. Anger is one of the most common and hurtful patterns that develop in relationships and it can become a habit that is both destructive and addictive. For many couples, the excitement and rush of an angry encounter is often described as the “only time they feel a connection,” while for many other couples, it deadens further the emotional connection that they once had.

At it’s core, Anger becomes more prevalent in insecure relationships and thrives in an environment with minimal communication and emotional attachment. Resentment is a key element in anger and helps sustain the fires of anger long past any one individual event.

The AAMFT has some very good advice on Handling Anger in Relationships:

1. When you have anger toward another person, start with an internal check of your own emotional state. Ask yourself why you feel the way you do.
2. Before feeling attacked or hurt, make an attempt to give others the benefit of the doubt, especially if you have nothing to lose by doing so.
3. Ask yourself if you have legitimate assumptions about the intentions of others.
4. Keep the lines of communication open. When you feel resentment building, see if you can journal your feelings and then share your thoughts with a loved one.
5. Explore your participation in relationships that repeatedly bring out the worst in you.
6. Always consider individual or family therapy in instances where your anger feels out of control and/or mysterious.

If you are stuck in a pattern of anger and resentment, consider marriage counseling or couples counseling as a way to begin again.

Paul and Terry had been married for 9 years and had two young children when they decided that it was time to enter into marriage counseling as a last ditch effort to save their relationship.

Paul and Terry both answered the counselor’s questions about their likes and dislikes and the kind of issues that they had in their marriage, but many of the answers sounded rehearsed and didn’t match up with corresponding actions.

Paul said:

I love my kids, and I’m here because I want them to have a mom and a dad at home to raise them. There’s just nothing better than coming home to a family, spending time with them. At night I like to read the kids books and sing them a good night song.

Terry, on the other hand, was unable to back up Paul’s story:

Paul loves his kids, I’ve never doubted that, but to be honest, he doesn’t like being a father unless it plays out like a movie montage for a few minutes. He comes home for dinner, but instead of eating with us and talking about the day, he takes his dinner to the couch and watches TV. He doesn’t play with them, he doesn’t read them books unless I specifically ask them too, and he hasn’t sung them a song before bed in almost a year. He wants to be a good father, but he just simply doesn’t enjoy being one. He says he wants to spend time with me, but he has a standing night out with his friends every Friday, and every Sunday is spent watching sports on TV.

It took a few sessions of marriage counseling before Paul admitted to the counselor that his previous answers to questions were the answers he wanted to give, not the truth. It was very difficult for him to admit that he simply enjoyed having time to himself. He loved his kids, that was true, but he didn’t enjoy spending a lot of time as a family. Eventually, he opened up about his own childhood, which was spent mostly in front of the television with very little family interaction.

Willard F. Harley, Jr., Ph.D. is best known as author of the internationally best selling book, His Needs, Her Needs: Building An Affair-proof Marriage. He has an interesting and informative plan to help couples build successful marriages based on simple and basic concepts on relationships and strengthening the ties of love.

One of the basic concepts that Dr. Harley writes about is the ability and commitment to spend quality time together in order to meet one another’s emotional needs.

This Basic Concept not only helps guarantee that you will meet each other’s emotional needs, but it also unlocks the door to the use of all the other basic concepts. Time for undivided attention is the necessary ingredient for everything that’s important in marriage.

Dr. Harley also address the biggest reason why couples spend less time together alone, and that is when children come along into the relationship.

And yet, as soon as most couples marry, and especially when children arrive, couples usually replace their time together with activities of lesser importance. You probably did the same thing. You tried to meet each other’s needs with time “left over,” but sadly, there wasn’t much time left over. Your lack of private time together may have become a great cause of unhappiness, and yet you felt incapable of preventing it. You may have also found yourself bottling up your honest expression of feelings because there was just no appropriate time to talk.

Ensuring that you are taking the time to be with one another and keep putting energy and thought into your relationship will help you remember what brought you into the relationship in the first place.

The time constraints that restrict many busy professionals can also determine the way in which they approach counseling. Instead of opting for no counseling at all, many are fitting counseling sessions in through the internet or over their phones.

Online and phone counseling services are offered in a variety of ways and from a variety of counselors.

The American Counseling Association describes their guidelines for online and phone counseling:

Professional counselors develop an appropriate in-take procedure for potential clients to determine whether online / phone counseling is appropriate for the needs of the client. Professional counselors warn potential clients that online counseling services may not be appropriate in certain situations and, to the extent possible, informs the client of specific limitations, potential risks, and/or potential benefits relevant to the client’s anticipated use of online or phone counseling services. Professional counselors ensure that clients are intellectually, emotionally, and physically capable of using the online counseling services, and of understanding the potential risks and/or limitations of such services.

Here are some of the different types of counselors that you may find are available for online or phone therapy services:

Social Workers (abbreviations usually have “SW” in the end)
Licensed Professional Counselors (”LPC”)
Counselors (usually master’s level clinicians will have “MA”)
Psychologists (”Ph.D” or “Psy.D.”)
Psychiatrists (”MD”)
Marriage and Family Therapists (”MFT”)

While online or phone counseling is not going to be right for every situation, it is a great match for many people who are in need of counseling but, for different reasons, cannot physically attend a therapy session.

There is always the possibility that the counselor will recommend traditional counseling if they do not feel that online or phone counseling is the right match for you.

Marriage counseling questions are one of the main ways that a counselor can help you and your partner understand where your issues developed, where they are right now, and how they can be resolved. These questions are designed to assist a couple in addressing their problems and get their relationship back on track.

Here are some of the typical marriage counseling questions that are used to help a couple explore and better understand their issues:

1. What issues in the relationship have brought you to marriage counseling?
   Understand that this question will be addressed to each partner in turn, because is is quite likely that an issue for one partner isn’t an issue for another. In order to understand where each other is coming from, couples need to understand what their partner’s issues are. Some of the most common issues include finances, children, communication, infidelity and physical intimacy.
2. Which of the issues is the most important?
   Again, this question is asked of each partner in turn. One partner may view physical intimacy as their biggest issue of concern, where the other may feel that financial security is the most important issue between them. A counselor will help the couple sort the issues into an order of priority and begin to deal with them in constructive ways.
3. How do you feel about your spouse’s most important issue?
   Once the issues are out in the open, understanding which is your partner’s most important issue helps put you on the path towards a better understanding of each other and a more productive partnership.
   This is also a wonderful way to get both partners working together again, in the spirit of compromise, to help solve their issues together.

Depression is one of major causes of disrupted marriages and personal suffering. The National Institute of Mental Health reports that Depression affects over 20 million Americans each year, over half of which are women.

The American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy describes the cycle of depression and the toll it takes on individuals, couples and families:

The symptoms of depression described above make it clear: To be depressed is to suffer. The hopelessness and helplessness that people experience when they are depressed is more than just a frame of mind at such times — it is an entire way of being. People stop trying, they stop caring, they withdraw from life, and of course, this makes them feel even worse. Their lives deteriorate, and it affects others as well. Family members are not immune to the depressive’s negativity — the never-ending complaints, the steady stream of criticisms, the lack of emotional closeness, and the loss of the ability to have fun together. Spouses can feel hurt and alienated, and children may feel guilty, resentful, and as if they are to blame. In turn, family relationships can also exacerbate depressive symptoms.

When Depression strikes marriages, it can make even simple issues seem insurmountable. When once spouse is depressed, the other finds it increasingly difficult to know how to reach them or how to help, driving the marriage further into an abyss.

Many married couples who are dealing with depression seek out marriage counseling first, but then incorporate individual counseling as a way to further support the spouse suffering from Depression.

Depression isn’t something that can be faced alone when it involves a married couple because both partners are caught up in it’s wake. It is healthier and easier to face the problems together in association with marriage counseling and therapy to begin healing.

Sometimes, the hardest part setting up that first session of marriage counseling is figuring out how to take care of the cost. Add that to the fact that most people don’t think of marriage counseling as a therapy including in their health care coverage and you have many couples waiting, in limbo, trying to figure out how they will pay the cost of saving their marriage.

Depending on the length of your therapy, marriage counseling can be pricey, often ranging in the $75 to $200 dollar per session charge. The truth is, if it saves your marriage, its worth it. Consider the costs associated with getting a divorce, splitting the bills and credit cards as well as the home equity. Add the costs of paying child support, and your may be surprised to discover that the cost of marriage counseling is pretty is cheap in comparison.

The smart thing to do is to first check with your insurance carrier. Some insurance companies will pay for the counseling for you as a part of your mental health coverage, so the whole situation is essentially taken care of for you, in the premiums that you are already paying. Simply put, few people think to check with their insurance carriers fr therapy coverage.

Another way to defray costs is to consider counselors who charge you a fee based on your income, like a sliding scale cost.

Not knowing how marriage counselors bill, how much or if its covered by your insurance may seem like added headaches, but all of those questions can be answered with a quick phone call or email to a marriage counselor. They can talk over your options with you and let you know what health care groups they belong to.

Many people email or call Marriage Counselors only to tell them that, while counseling is desperately needed, their spouse refuses to attend sessions. In these cases, most spouses will instead agree to an intensive one day session rather than making a commitment to counseling or therapy. For couples in this position, a one day intensive marriage counseling session can be viewed as a compromise by both parties involved.

Many of our patients get a great benefit from only one extended session of couples counseling. Single session counseling can be very productive. When the goal of your counseling is to resolve your problems in only one session you tend to get right to the heart of issues quickly.

One day intensive marriage counseling sessions often serve as a lifeline for couples in trouble, and as a last resort for people in a relationship with another who does not want to make a counseling commitment.

Here is how a one day intensive marriage counseling session would work:

[The] counselor will help you peel through the superficial issues that are covering up your real underlying problems. Then the counselor will help you learn new skills to help you overcome your relationship problems. Most relationship problems stem from a couples not having the basic skills they need to get what they want from their partners without hurting them with anger, sarcasm or stonewalling tactics. [The] therapist can help you learn basic communication skills that will help you resolve your problems during your session and when you get back home and face the difficult problems that affect every relationship.

In case you think that the session may leave you with no closure afterward, there is a follow up.

Before you wrap up the session [The] counselor will give you both some homework and will schedule a follow up phone call. The follow up call will allow you and our counselor to evaluate the success of the session and see if it was effective for changing the trajectory of your relationship.

Many find that their previously counseling-shy partner is more apt to want to continue therapy after a one-day intensive marriage counseling session.

Infidelity is as old as marriage and relationships themselves. It is no secret that the hurt and betrayal that happens as a result of infidelity takes a serious toll on a relationship and sometimes completely destroys the trust that had been built between the couple.

Marriage counselors in the modern age have been inundated with a new kind of infidelity however, and it is called Online Infidelity. The American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy says:

Over half of all U.S. households have Internet access, making the 40 million sexually explicit Web sites, chat rooms, bulletin boards and interactive games completely available to anyone who cares to partake. An estimated 20 to 33 percent of Internet users go online for sexual purposes; most are male, about 35 years old, married with children, and well educated. As many as 17 percent of users become addicted to online sexual activity. In the coming years, as the number of households with Internet access grows, it can be expected that more and more couples will suffer a variety of problems related to online infidelity.

The feelings experienced by a couple dealing with online infidelity are similar to those experienced with physical infidelity, however in many cases, with a major difference. In online cases of infidelity, the partner cheating often feels that they aren‘t really cheating. The reasoning in many of these cases has been that, since there isn’t a physical contact and that, indeed, there may not be another partner at all, only an online supply of pornography, there isn’t actual basis for a confrontation. This is the type of behavior that therapist will address.

A therapist will likely want to determine if the user is addicted. If so, the therapist will offer support and assistance in the development of a plan, which might include restrictions on further computer use, accountability measures, and finding a 12-step or support group meeting