The Marriage Counseling Blog

One of the more common problems couples face is the loss of passion or romance in their relationship. This usually happens over an extended period of time though even newly married couples can experience a certain diminishing that causes concern. Couples counselor are experts at focusing on this particular issue.

A loss of passion between two people can happen for a number of reasons. One is simply the natural ebbs and flows of any relationship. A couple may be experiencing an “ebb” period for the first time and are concerned that it indicates a bigger problem. Often this is a time for the couple to take advantage of this natural separation and focus on their own individual life for a while, such as reconnecting with friends or hobbies.

Another reason for a loss of passion and/or romance is unspoken feelings. Often one or both partners in a marriage will “swallow” their feelings in an attempt to keep an even keel in the relationship. Unfortunately this is how resentments gather. Passion or sexuality doesn’t allow for such pent-up emotions. In other words, the body doesn’t lie! When those hardened feelings gather after years, it can easily snuff out the earlier feeling of romance and passion. A chain reaction can occur. The person responding to the closed off partner often feels rejected and begins to shut down as well, only compounding the problem.

Couples counseling often focuses on this latter cause, since it is quite common. A counselor will explore unspoken feelings and gathered resentments. Often the simple utterance of these deeply held emotions is enough to heat up a relationship again.

Stuart and Leah had recently gotten married and were having the time of their lives, traveling and exploring the world and genuinely getting to know one another. When they returned home, after a year of roaming the world, the trouble began. Leah became anxious and worried every time Stuart would leave her side. After a while, Leah had trouble leaving the house. She became so preoccupied with Stuart’s whereabouts that soon, she couldn’t thinking straight. That’s when Stuart thought they should meet with a couples counselor.

According to Stuart:

I had no clue who I was dealing with. She seemed so normal when we were travelling. Suddenly she seemed like a different person…like a nut case frankly. She would time when I left the house and when I would return. At first I thought she was kidding. But then, she freaked out one time when I was 40 minutes late. Or shall I say, 43 minutes late, according to her. It was then I knew we had to do something or our marriage would be over.

Stuart’s departure was terrifying for Leah. She had severe abandonment issues. Both of her parents had died before she was 5. Her mother had died suddenly and her father had an accident at his place of work. Stuart didn’t realize Leah’s abandonment issues early on. He had no reason to. He had never “left” her.

Couples counseling allowed the couple to explore Leah’s problems in a safe environment. Stuart finally understood the complexity of Leah’s issues and Leah began to recognize that she could retain autonomy and happiness, even when Stuart wasn’t around.

Finding the right couples counselor for you takes time and patience. Even if you’re in crisis, it’s important to do the needed research in order to find the appropriate therapist. Couples counseling is an investment and you want to make sure you’re on the right track from the beginning.

So what are the ways you know if a couples counselor isn’t working for you and your significant other?

*You feel your couples counselor is taking sides. Counselors are trained to be a neutral party to a large extent. That doesn’t mean they can’t share their opinions or explore one party’s issues in more detail during a session but you should never get the sense that you’re being “ganged up on.” In addition, your partner needs to feel they are safe and heard as well.

*You feel your counselor talks down to you. A marital therapist should feel like a mediator and a guide, not a scolding parent. If you feel like your counselor is in any way condescending to you or your partner, it’s time to inform your counselor you feel this way. It may be time to find another counselor as well.

*You and your partner are not progressing. While some marital issues may take time, you should feel like you are on a healthier path, that there’s a “game plan” in place. If you feel that you and your partner are just wasting air or spinning wheels, it’s important to tell your marital counselor how you’re feeling or find another therapist.

Couples counselors are people, too. Sometimes the chemistry just isn’t right, regardless of the skill and professional history of your therapist. You and your partner need to check in with each other so you’re not wasting time or money.

In the same breath, a good counselor may be emotionally provocative. Make sure you’re not walking away from a counselor because he or she elicits certain uncomfortable feelings for you. The counselor may be doing his or her job correctly, it just may be difficult for you.

Ellen and Eddie lived in the Midwest and worked as dairy farmers. They had been married for 21 years. Eddie had always had temperamental outbursts but lately, they had gotten worse. Their financial situation was becoming extremely stressed because their farm wasn’t generating the money it used to. Both were under a substantial amount of stress. When they sat before the couples counselor, they had nothing to say…for the entire first session! When Eddie finally spoke, he revealed this:

This is ridiculous. I’m embarrassed to be here. If anyone finds out, we’re going to be the laughing stock of our area. Listen, what goes on between Ellen and me is our business. I don’t want to talk to anyone else about this. We’ll figure it out ourselves.

Ellen chimed in:

You’ve said that for years. And we’re not figuring anything out. We’re spinning in circles and I’m sick and tired of it. This is the 21st century, Ed…it’s not that big of a deal to talk to someone if we’re having trouble. You go to the doctor when you’re sick, right? So enough. We’re staying here until we figure something us. And to hell with everyone else.

The counselor sat there, surprised and glad at what Ellen said. Eddie sat in stunned silence. Apparently, he had never heard Ellen speak like that either. The counselor then started to work with the couple and the couple grew more comfortable with the idea of counseling and began a slow process of revealing.

Couples counseling - or any other kind of counseling - often holds a particular stigma for people. Some people, such as those in major cities for example, feel more comfortable speaking quite freely about their “therapist”, almost as if it was a status symbol. But couples like Ellen and Eddie were from a different region, where different social rules applied. Regardless, the stigma is unwarranted and as Ellen pointed out:

“You go to the doctor when you’re sick, right?”

“I didn’t know what to expect at first. I grew up with my dad referring to counselors and psychologists as “head shrinkers”, so I certainly didn’t have a good feeling. But after a session or two, I really started to appreciate it. I realized that it actually, well…it feels good to talk about what’s on your mind. Not that I didn’t do that with my wife, but she stopped listening, it seemed. The couples counselor took me seriously and that alone changed my outlook.”
- Ted, 38

“I’ve seen therapists before but never a marriage counselor. I felt so ashamed at first…and really anxious. I didn’t want anyone to know. I made sure we parked far from the office because I didn’t anyone to see our car there! Now I realize that’s ridiculous. That shame is part of the problem. I had to own up to the fact that Lee and I were having problems. And that’s alright! We all have problems sometimes and I’m no longer trying to win some contest.”
- Barb, 52

“I was thrilled when we started seeing a marital counselor. I was tired of hitting the same wall again and again. I needed a mental break but Lisa refused for a while, almost a couple of years. By the time she agreed, I thought, “Finally!” Now, we’ve been going for 6 months and it’s meant a world of difference. Our household feels so much saner. And even though it’s tough on our budget, it’s worth it. We’ve cut some other stuff out. Mainly all of the booze we used to buy to numb out!”
- Taylor, 31

“You’d think at this age we’d have it all figured out. 41 years of marriage! How could we have any problems? Well, we’ve had the same problems for a long time. And the really weird part? We only met with out counselor a handful of times. We made enough progress that even the counselor suggested we end. All of these years and that’s all it took?”
- Liza, 68

When Harris and Stella visited a couple’s counselor 8 years ago, they were in dire need. Stella was threatening to leave the marriage and had already started legal action. It was everything Harris could do to convince her to attend one session. But both were grateful they did. After a half year’s worth of attendance, Stella decided she would re-commit to her marriage and no longer pursue divorce.

Cut to present day, Harris and Stella sat before the same counselor, though divorce was no longer a possibility. While they felt they had really come far since their initial sessions, they felt their sex life started waning over the last few years. Both had very busy schedules and felt they were often forced to schedule intimacy, which Stella found abhorrent. She felt that this was Harris’ way of trying to control every second of the day, leaving little room for spontaneity or fun.

The counselor worked with the couple on ways to regain intimacy and to genuinely reconnect. He also worked with Harris specifically, who he realized was suffering from an enormous amount of stress and exhaustion due to his job, both of which can wreak havoc on a sex life. Slowly but surely, the counselor saw the couple enter the office with a lighter, more joyful sensation. They began to tease one another playfully and the counselor noticed more a “spark” between the two.

The couple was grateful they had revisited therapy. Something that had saved their marriage years ago now brought the couple closer together. They were happy to have this specialized resource.

Audrey and Franklin had some concerns when they decided to see a couples counselor that would help with their marital problems. Both were at an extremely polarized point with one another, using friends and family members as allies to join in on their argument. Of course, this only exacerbated the problem. Both Audrey and Franklin began to think in terms of sides and were concerned that a new counselor would be preferential toward one or the other.

What they didn’t understand is that couples therapists are trained to not take sides. They don’t even think in terms of sides, ideally. They think in terms of the dynamic between the couple and the need for sides in the first place. Maybe they will examine the history of the couple. When did a power struggle begin? Or the counselor will probe even deeper, looking into each party’s childhood. Often this is where one begins to feel powerless and struggles against the authority figure that isn’t meeting their needs.

Both Audrey and Franklin were pleasantly surprised. The idea of “sides” was taken out of the equation, once in front of a couples counselor. The two were encouraged to look at some of the real issues that resided behind the “he said, she said” dynamic they had created. It was a relief for both, who over the years had become exhausted by the “constant warring,” as they put it. Finally, the couple could reconnect and communicate in a whole, new way, unfamiliar to both of them. It took some time and practice, but love and openness began to return.

Les and Sammy knew the had a problem. A big problem. The only problem? They didn’t know what it was! As they sat before the couples counselor for the first time, Sammy had this to say:

He just…it’s hard to explain. But every time I talk, he seems to…well, it’s like he listens. But he’s not. And then we start fighting about it and he says I don’t know what I’m talking about…though I’ve told him a million times. I don’t understand how he doesn’t know. So he says he listens but says I get too emotional or he gets confused and…in front of people, it’s worse.

Sammy was obviously unclear about their problem. With some coaxing and fine-tuned questions by the counselor, Sammy was able to define his issue a little more clearly:

Les doesn’t listen to me. He acts like he does but he doesn’t. He seems bored when I talk. And when we’re with other people, he tunes me out even more.

Before you enter counseling, it’s important to clearly define exactly what kind of marital problem you’re experiencing. This is often hard to do when it’s a heated issue. You often can’t see the forest through the trees. But defining is one step closer toward solving.

Another reason it’s tough to define your issues is because you are seeing a dynamic problem - between two people - only from your perspective. Act as if you are a neutral person, looking from the outside in. What would you say that these two people are experiencing?

Defining your problem before entering counseling helps you save time and money ultimately. It also helps you and your spouse get on the same page. It’s often difficult to come up with solutions but it may be easier for a couple to surmise their overall problem, since it’s not as emotionally loaded.

When Georgia had twins, her whole life had changed. She went from being a workaholic and a “weekend warrior” to a busy mom, with no time for her online business or personal endeavors. Her husband Jake picked up the slack work-wise by taking on an additional job assignment, leaving him very little time to help Georgia with the new additions to the family. As they sat before the couples counselor, both were visibly stressed and shaken.

Georgia needed a break quickly:

My hands have been shaking lately, which is scary. I can’t sleep. I’m just afraid that two children are too much for us. We didn’t expect twins. I mean, I’m still trying to wrap my head around having children in the first place. I wasn’t sure how much I even wanted one. Of course, I love my kids. But I’m afraid we’re not going to make it. That the stress is going to break our marriage or mess up my abilities to take care of my children. I need some relief.

The counselor realized that this couple was under an enormous amount of stress. He went on to suggest a stress management program for him, one he himself had developed. It outlined a new schedule for the couple that included one-on-one time, recreational time and meditation practices. While it wasn’t easy rearranging an already tight schedule, the couple was willing to make some adaptations for the sake of their marriage…and their sanity!

Counseling allowed for some very practical measures for the couple- ways in which they could manage stress during a difficult year. The couple, after several months, felt they had developed a healthier “life pattern” for themselves. Yes, they still experienced stress - but now it seemed manageable.

Both Ike and Hannah are very active in their church - a small but bustling Christian church in their town. When they first began having problems, they wanted to make sure they found a couples counselor who spoke their language and understand the couple’s need for spiritual guidance and prayer in addition to psychological counseling.

Hannah had an extramarital affair almost 20 years ago and it was still causing difficulty in their marriage. Both had met with their pastor repeatedly but were still not moving past it. A friend had suggested professional counseling and the couple agreed. 20 years is a long time and they wanted to ensure the next 20 were free of the resentment and insecurities they had both experienced due to this infraction.

The couple chose a counselor who had attended their church in the past and was still an active church member. This comforted the couple. The counselor also used their spiritual strengths as a tool to mend this rift, with the use of prayer.

Both Hannah and Ike finally had a break-through that allowed some of the stored up resentment and hurt to dissipate. It wasn’t easy. Ike said he had gotten used to “holding this affair against her” and occasionally used it as a weapon at times, for self-protection. Now they had to start anew and feel vulnerable with one another.

Hannah was particularly grateful for her choice of a counselor:

I wanted someone who knew we’d use God for assistance, in addition to professional help. Our counselor not only understood this, but encouraged it. We spoke the same language.

It’s not always easy to tell if your marriage or relationship is in need of couples counseling. All relationships, including friendships, have their own rhythm, with varying ebbs and flows. This is often difficult to accept, especially for newer relationships. The new couple wants to believe that the “enmeshment” phase will last forever. This is when you feel like you’re at one with the other; it almost hurts to be apart. And while this Romeo and Juliet period can feel wonderful, just like the Shakespearean couple, an inevitable end will occur.

This doesn’t mean the relationship is necessarily over. It simply means a natural separation needs to occur for one or both partners to find their autonomy again. Individuals need time alone to regroup, process, reflect and connect with others in order to maintain a certain mental health. In other words, we all need to come up for air at some point!

Often couples will enter counseling with one partner complaining that the other has been exhibiting a distancing behavior. This is very provocative for certain individuals, especially those with abandonment issues that often stem for childhood. This individual feels that a certain betrayal has taken place. It’s often the job of the couples counselor to teach the couple that separation is not necessarily a bad thing. The more the so-called “abandoned” partner can understand that separation is often a necessary aspect of an extended relationship for both parties to regroup. It doesn’t always indicate the worst scenario. Often, the more a couple is able to withstand this natural separation comfortably, the closer they inevitably grow. Romeo and Juliet can’t last forever.

The marriage counselor knew he had little time and needed to work fast. But this wasn’t a problem. He saw Lynn and Farrel’s problem as manageable and knew he could guide them in the right direction quickly.

Lynn and Farrel were getting married in 6 months. Lynn came from a well-to-do family and put a lot of pressures on her to succeed. Lynn became a perfectionist over the years and while Farrel was used to dealing with it, prior to the wedding, her perfectionism had become unmanageable.

According to Farrel:

I knew if we didn’t do something about this, I was going to spend the rest of my life with a monster. Sorry honey…but really, I can’t live like this. I don’t want to. And you know what, I don’t think Lynn wants to live like this either. This is her parent’s talking. The Lynn that I’m in love with can be messy and carefree. I don’t care if its our “big day” frankly. I want it to be enjoyable, not like pulling teeth or putting on a damn stage show.

During the first session, Lynn began sobbing uncontrollably. She finally felt as if she had a free and relaxed environment to express herself emotionally. She confessed that this stress was in fact mainly her family doing an “internal number on her” as she put it.

The counselor worked on the two becoming allies with one another, where Lynn could express her stress about the “big day” and would be heard, as long as she did so in way that wasn’t attacking. Conversely, the counselor taught her techniques that encouraged her to let go of the cyclical thoughts surrounding their upcoming wedding and simply have an enjoyable time with her husband to be. Slowly, she began to “weed out” her family’s thoughts from those of her own, which were considerably more flexible.

Therapy can work in the short-term when a problem is manageable. This couple benefited within several sessions. They returned a year later, happy but wanting to make sure they were “on course” and still keeping the lines of communication open.

Often marriages can get into ruts. Many couples express a feeling of confusion during their first few sessions with a marriage counselor. They wonder, “How did we get here?” They’re not sure when something went off course, but they definitely feel a chasm has formed, slowly, sometimes over years. This was how Rhonda felt about she and her husband, Stephen:

We never fight. I used to be so proud of that fact because I saw so many couples fighting, squabbling over the littlest things. But not Stephen and I. I don’t think we have fought in our 10 years of marriage. The problem is, well, we don’t seem to be doing much of anything else either! We don’t talk all that much. Small talk, yes - but nothing serious. I don’t feel like he shares his feelings with me. And sex, that’s just become something to mark the calendar by. We’re not fighting but we’re not connecting.

This couple wanted more for their marriage. They weren’t in a place of wanting to separate but feeling a deep need to reconnect. As they explored their marriage in-depth, they realized they both had some resentment toward one another. Small resentments at first that slowly grew over the years, simply because they had been unexpressed.

When is it time for couples counseling? It could be when you find you and your partner in cyclical, unhealthy patterns with one another. Or when the only form of communication is fighting. Or, as in the case of Stephen and Rhonda, simply when an emotional separation had occurred. After years of marriage, the couple need to rejuvenate their relationship and reconnect again. Marriage counseling allowed the two to explored the impasse that had casually formed over the years and get back to genuinely being with one another.

Frances and Bobby had many expectations when they entered counseling. After years of what they both referred to as a “frozen marriage”, both entered expecting a quick fix. Both were successful business people and were used to delegating and delivering orders quickly and effectively. Both were viewed as very strict employers with a bit of a “cutthroat” reputation. When the marriage counselor recognized the work ahead of them, Frances wasn’t pleased.

I didn’t expect this at all. Our counselor assigned us “homework” and I thought, you have to be kidding! I told him I didn’t intend to do any homework. That we came to see him to do the homework for us. That’s what we paid him for.

It took some time for the counselor to explain that he wasn’t a marriage repairman. In other words, he served as a form of guidance, of mediation - not someone who could wave a wand and make their problems disappear. As a matter of fact, the counselor explained to the couple, there are times when problems are beyond the help of a counselor and occasionally a couple needs to separate.

Frances and Bobby struggled with this for some time. They really felt entitled to the “fix it” person and it took many sessions to realize that the responsibility of their marriage was their own, not anyone else’s. When they actually completed a “homework” assignment, both were pleasantly surprised and felt a real sense of success.

According to Bobby:

Well, it made us stop looking outside for answers, which is a habit both of us had really grown used to. I mean, I realized the counselor was there to point us in the right direction, but ultimately, we had to do the walking. We had to re-look at our attitude toward couples counseling and I guess, our lives in general. And I’m glad we did.

Layna and Frederick had recently moved to the U.S. from Germany and were having some adjustment problems. Frederick’s company relocated to America and offered him a higher paying position. Layna was hesitant at first; she wouldn’t be around any of her family or friends and wasn’t that fond of their new location in the Midwest. They sat before the counselor with very serious expressions on their faces:

Layna: This isn’t working for me. I cry every day. We’ve been here 8 months and I feel no different. Frederick is busy with his job all the time so he doesn’t seem to care as much. That makes me resent him and feel that much more alone. I want to go back and I know we can’t right now. I don’t feel like my husband is my ally either. He says he doesn’t want to hear it and that I should be more proactive. While this may be true, I wish he was more understanding. He seems like he has no feelings at times.

Layna began crying and Frederick showed little compassion. The counselor encouraged Layna to express her feelings in a safe environment and slowly began teaching Frederick the importance of acknowledging her feelings. While it was awkward at first for Frederick, he began to realize how transformative it was when he simply listened to Layna’s feelings about the move instead of maintaining a stance of resistance.

The marriage counselor also worked on Layna’s autonomy, with weekly projects that encouraged her to become part of the community in which she lived. Layna found one female friend at a charity event she participated in, which made a substantial difference for her. Layna began to let go of the resentment she was feeling toward Frederick and focus on her own new life. Therapy allowed them to check in with one another, a sort of emotional anchor, during this transitional phase.

Talking about difficult material can be very provocative for couples. “Owning up” to your responsibility when there is a dynamic problem can cause defensiveness or projection. Projection can occur in couples counseling as well as individual therapy. Projection is defined as:

In psychology, psychological projection (or projection bias) is a defense mechanism in which one attributes one’s own unacceptable or unwanted thoughts or/and emotions to others. Projection reduces anxiety by allowing the expression of the unwanted subconscious impulses/desires without letting the conscious mind recognize them. The theory was developed by Sigmund Freud and further refined by his daughter Anna Freud, and for this reason, it is sometimes referred to as “Freudian Projection”

In counseling, we often have to hear from our partner as well as the therapist things we don’t necessarily want to hear; ways in which we’ve contributed to a long-standing problem or a personality trait of ours that we’d like to believe we don’t possess.

For counseling to be truly effective, there is a need to be open and relaxed as possible. It’s also imperative to be aware, simply aware, when we feel that defensiveness rising in us, that feeling that we’d like to lash out, yell. That simple awareness can be a wonderful indicator. It can serve as a mental road sign, informing us of areas in our personality that we need to work on and learn acceptance.

When we gradually become aware that the very qualities we don’t like in our partner may be an area we’ve disconnected with or dislike in ourselves, then some real work can begin.

Wendy was concerned about becoming an alcoholic before she even picked up a drink. Both her father and mother were alcoholics. Her mother had died from the disease and her father was in a recovery program but having limited success. When Wendy married Shane, she was concerned he might have a problem as well, since his father was a heavy drinker. The first question she asked the marriage counselor was, “Is alcoholism genetic?”

The counselor told her that there are some possible correlations:

There is a growing body of scientific evidence that alcoholism has a genetic component, but the actual gene that may cause it has yet to be identified.

Studies of laboratory animals as well as human test subjects indicate that genetic factors play a major role in the development of alcoholism, but just how much a factor remains undetermined.

Children of alcoholics are four times more likely than other children to become alcoholics, according to the American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry, but environmental factors could be a factor in many of those cases.

Both Shane and Wendy found this information helpful but had to explore their own relationship with alcohol before making decisions about drinking in the context of their marriage. Wendy began to realize her oversensitivity was based on never really working on the stress and emotional strain her parent’s drinking took on her. She began to attend Alanon meetings, in addition to couple’s counseling. Shane attended a few with her as well. Shane continued to drink socially and moderately and Wendy began a long path or awareness regarding her own personal history and alcohol.

When Frank and Searah opened a new restaurant, they both felt as if they were fulfilling a lifelong dream. Both were seasoned chefs and Searah had run her own business prior, so they felt they were professionally prepared as well. Until the arguing began. Then they found themselves sitting before a marriage counselor, wondering if they had made the right decision:

As Frank put it:

The first 6 months have been hell. There isn’t one decision we need to make that doesn’t take twice as long as it should because of all of the squabbling. What’s worse is the staff sees us acting like this and then they don’t take us seriously. And I don’t blame them. We seem like two kids frankly. If we don’t figure out a way to get along better, our business is going to tank.

The couples counselor quickly went to work on a form of active communication between the two; a way they could quickly process what the other was saying and come to a firm conclusion, without tons of deliberation. At first, he worked on unrelated decisions for the couple then slowly integrated decisions that were directly applicable to the business. Bit by bit, the couple learned to make quick decisions with little to no arguing.

This form of therapy had immediate and practical implications for the couple. They needed to learn how to communicate better - and quickly, because their business was contingent upon it. Counseling can occasionally be an immediate - or at least a quick - repair, if the situation allows.

This is a day and age of the “quick fix.” People want results yesterday. The idea of healing is becoming harder to comprehend because healing by its very nature is progressive - it takes time. Laura and James, a couple married 4 years, began to learn that lesson after several sessions with a marriage counselor.

Laura had an extramarital affair during their first year of marriage. She had an affair with a close friend of James, which only added to the deep sense of betrayal he was feeling. They hadn’t sought counseling at the time and instead “fought their way through it” as Laura put it:

I thought we had moved past it. We talked, we fought, we cried. James moved out briefly but came back. I didn’t know what else we were supposed to do. After a year went by, I thought we were in the clear. Things were alright for a bit. But once I started working for another friend of his, James would start harassing me again; asking me questions, picking me up at work. Our trust really seems broken.

What James and Laura did was sweep the problem under the rug. While the fighting might have seemed like a form of processing, it wasn’t. James felt his feelings were never truly heard by Laura. In counseling, both were encouraged to genuinely listen to each other and understand the depth of the frayed emotional state they were both experiencing. Laura also recognized that this would take time:

I think in counseling, I realized, maybe for the first time, just how long this will take. Trust is built over time. And it’s an active thing. I have to actively be a trusting person as well as a trustworthy person. I don’t think I’ll think in terms of it just ‘putting it behind me.’ Our marriage is about moving forward now.

“More couples get divorced within the first 2 to 3 years of marriage than at any subsequent interval; most of their undoing may stem from a failure to undo their complicities.”

(Sarnoff, Love Centered-Marriage in a Self-Centered World).

Terry and Todd are a young couple, in their mid-20’s, and having marital difficulties. Both are concerned they will become a statistic at the rate they are going, having been married only 2 years. Terry feels that they never really learned how to communicate properly - that their attempts quickly turn into shouting matches and name calling. And according to Todd:

It just seems that with every passing day, I feel less and less connected to her and more resentful. I hate that feeling. I’m not sure what we’re supposed to be doing differently. She’s my one and only serious relationship and it feels like its failing. If we don’t do something, we’re going to continue to unravel. We’ve both stopped listening to one another, that’s for sure.

The couples counselor commented on their willingness to improve their relationship and how important that is. When there is one partner who doesn’t want to be in counseling in the first place, there’s this pervasive resistance to move forward. Terry and Todd were both more than willing.

They worked on the various exercises the counselor recommended and updated him on a weekly progress. Terry even kept a log of their progress. While their communication skills were both seriously lacking, this couple made up for it with a deep willingness to do the work, no matter how involved it became.

Marriage counseling isn’t a magic solution. It will not fix a broken marriage. It can help mend longstanding wounds and bridge gaps. There are times when a couples counselor will advise the couple to separate, in order to clarify and understand a situation better. This was the case with Samantha and Tim.

Samantha and Tim had been together since high school. Samantha had always felt she loved Tim deeply but felt Tim had some sort of wall up, a certain resistance:

It feels like no matter how hard I try, it’s never enough. Somehow he just doesn’t love me back fully. Sometimes I wonder if he even likes me! I know that sounds ridiculous but I’m also tired of trying so hard, trying to win his approval and love. I want a break. I want to feel like the giver, not the receiver.

Tim felt utterly confused:

I can’t believe she feels this way. Everything I do, I do for her. What could I do any differently? I’m not the showy type. I don’t feel like having to put on an act for her.

The therapist recognized the real divide that lie between both Tim and Samantha and first advised for some healthy separation. Samantha had become so fixated on “winning Tim’s approval” that she had lost sight of herself and her own personal goals. In addition, Tim would need to do his own work and recognize the emotional walls he puts up between himself and others.

But occasionally a therapist will advise a brief separation from one another. Perhaps not physically but from the problem itself, in order to mend one’s own fences first. Then some real progress can occur - with two whole, sound individuals who aren’t so enmeshed.

Terrence was at his wit’s end. He was currently working two jobs to keep their family afloat. Sharon had quit her job a year before and still hadn’t found another one. She had found a nice position several months prior but it lasted only a few weeks. Sharon was an active alcoholic and her addictive behavior was preventing her from being able to hold down a job, due to absenteeism and poor performance, though she graduated at the top of her class in college.

Terrence did his best to manage the household but he was becoming overwhelmed and clearly suffering from signs of stress. He sat before the couples counselor with darkened circles around his eyes and his hands slightly trembling. Sharon was despondent and resentful that she was “dragged here in the first place.”

Clearly the counselor was dealing with a very codependent couple. Codependency is defined as:

co.de.pen.dence: The condition or fact of being codependent; specifically, a) tendency to place the needs and wants of others first and to the exclusion of acknowledging one’s own, b) continued investment of self-esteem in the ability to control both oneself and others, c) anxiety and boundary distortions relating to intimacy and separation, d) difficulty expressing feelings, e) excessive worry how others may respond to one’s feelings, f) undue fear of being hurt and/or rejected by others, g) self-esteem dependent on approval by others, h) tendency to ignore own values and attempt to adhere to the values of others.

The counselor went to work on both partners. Both were equally sick from their own forms of addiction. Sharon was urged to go to a 12-step program (Al-Anon) and after several months, finally acquiesced. Terrence too went to a 12-step program for people who are in relationship with alcoholics or other addicts. It was a long road but health had finally begun to enter their relationship.

When Barb and Damian married, they knew their schedule would be a challenge but they figured they would manage it. Barb is an emergency room nurse who works evening and Damian started his own law practice, where he spent many long days that extended into the night.

Their first two years of marriage proved to be even more difficult than they had anticipated.
Barbara confessed to the marriage counselor:

I rarely see my husband. We’re like two ships passing in the night. We don’t have time for dinners together. We don’t have time for sex. He’s becoming a stranger to me and it breaks my heart. My whole life I dreamed of marrying someone like Damian and now that I have, I never see him. The distance seems to be getting worse as well. When we finally do have time together, we’ve been feeling…uncomfortable around one another. That’s when I started to worry. I don’t want to become one of those marriages - more like a business than a deep love.

The counselor even had trouble scheduling appointments for the couple. They canceled repeatedly due to their erratic schedules. He finally insisted on them committing to one appointment a week or real work couldn’t be accomplished. Amazingly, that one appointment a week had a sort of “contagious” effect.

Once they carved out time for therapy, they tended to have some time free afterwards. The time after therapy become Barb and Damien’s time to go out to lunch together, go for a long walk or have a romantic picnic. It was only an hour or two before Barb would have to go to work, but it became enough for the couple to reacquaint, slowly but surely.

In a constantly frenzied day and age, relationships are often the first to suffer. But just like anything else, they need tending to - they don’t stay together without time and effort. Work can be all-consuming but love, in the end, is what presents us with the richest form of happiness.

Margot had a difficult childhood by anyone’s standards: her father had left her family when she was 4 years old and her mother died 3 years later. Margot was sent to live with her grandfather, who was verbally abusive. She was living on her own by the time she was 14. She dropped out of school and got her first apartment when she was 16 by having a friend co-sign the lease. By the time she fell in love with Roland, her abandonment issues were pronounced.

According to Roland:

I couldn’t go the bathroom without Margot getting upset. At first, I found it flattering. She really seemed like she needed me. But then it became oppressive. I couldn’t have a life separate from her. And the jealousy! If I so much as mentioned another woman, she would become irate.

The couples counselor quickly realized this was an unhealthy dynamic and went to work on ways to build Margot’s esteem and life away from Roland. She was encouraged to pursue certain goals she had put aside prior to their marriage, including taking several art classes. Roland in turn learned to not recoil when he felt Margot having a “don’t leave me” fit (as he called it) and became more gentle and loving when she was in that place.

Both partners made specific time to do their own thing, each week, so as not to become so enmeshed. Eventually, after a considerable amount of counseling, Margot began to look forward to these times alone and her “don’t leave me” fits slowly faded away.

All marriages have their ups and downs, as do all relationships. Ebbs and flows are a natural part of human connectedness. So how do you know when you’ve moved beyond those commons problems to ones that may need the aid of a marriage counselor?

First, you’ll notice that you and your partner have less and less in common. It’s as if you are sleeping next to a stranger. You literally feel the distance growing. Again, some distance is normal but when it’s chronic, over extended periods of time, it may be time to see a therapist.

Second, you begin to notice a constant, critical nature emerging from you or your partner. You can’t seem to do anything right! Criticism has begun to replace support and pride in your partner. Contempt is a dangerous element to any marriage and needs to be looked at very seriously. It doesn’t tend to go away on it’s own.

Another change you may see in your marriage that indicate the need for help is the growing awareness that your partner gladly shares information with others that you are no longer privy to. That “last to know” feeling. This indicates your partner has ceased to feel comfortable sharing even minor details about his/her life with you.

There are other factors that can indicate a failing marriage but the ones above give you an idea if its time to seek some outside help. If you’re not sure, a few sessions with a therapist can clarify whether your issues are “par for the course” or whether they’ve grown to a point where outside help could really make a difference.

Mark never dreamed of the day his strong, independent mother would need his help as well as housing. He also didn’t envision this happening within 2 years of his marriage to Marie. When the couple sat before their marriage counselor, Marie had this to say:

I thought no way. No way! This is not how I see our second year of marriage. I mean, I know - it’s family but why did we have to be the ones? Mark has 2 sisters! Why us? I wanted a few years of marriage just to ourselves…is that selfish?

According to Mark:

I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. Suddenly this sweet woman [Marie] began sounding so selfish. This is mother! Why were we even discussing this, let alone arguing about it. My mother stays with us. Period.

The counselor listened to each side patiently than encouraged each partner to do the same. She explored options that would allow for the private time with Mark that Marie was afraid would be sacrificed and in addition, began coming up with an overall plan for Mark’s mother, which would include his siblings as well as an overall deadline for the period of time his mother’s stay.

Mark was resistant at first but realized that his marriage mattered in addition to his other family ties and there was no “priority list.” The couple themselves came up with an idea that would benefit both them and Mark’s mother. A small in-law in their backyard could be renovated and made into a nice home.

Counseling allowed them the space to give vent to their emotions as well as come up with proactive ideas in a safer environment with a “mediator” of sorts. Life doesn’t always do what it’s told and counseling helps when the paths ahead aren’t always clear.

Many people have many different reasons for not attending couples counseling. It ranges from the practical to the moral. Either “I don’t have time or money for it” or “I don’t like airing our dirty laundry. Our problems are our business.” Whatever the reasons, the problems remain the same, unchanged and stagnating. Problems don’t tend to magically go away on their own, though we often secretly hope that to be true. In fact, they tend to compound and enlarge when not addressed.

Often people are concerned about what will be uncovered in therapy. Many modalities of therapy approach your past in one form or the other. The belief is that it is in the past that the original pain occurred and grew as the years passed. Because a relationship with a significant other is so reminiscent to some of our most formative relationships, a counselor often feels the need to address your personal history. Either party can be concerned about this. It’s a frightening prospect for some, reliving or examining old pain.

It’s often a relief to know that these examinations into your past are done in a safe environment by a professional trained in these areas. It’s an additional relief to know that while you’d like to avoid these “old hurts”, they are affecting your life now anyway, regardless of your conscious effort to dismiss them. In other words, in therapy, you stand a chance to finally be truly free of these old wounds.

Not all therapies need to delve into your past and if that’s truly something you’re not interested in, you have many options. The point being: when it comes to looking at your past, the truth can quite literally set you free.

Integrating two different families is rarely an easy thing. During these times, our need to be flexible is of the utmost importance. Divorce rates remain high and families need to have a certain porousness in order to move forward. Thus was the case for Angela and Tim, both recently divorced and seeking marriage counseling. According to Angela:

When I divorced Frank, I thought this was it for me. I was never going to find someone who’d want to be with someone who had 2 small children. I didn’t care at first. I was so soured on marriage, what did it matter to me? But when I met Tim, I thought…finally. Tim and I were so deeply compatible. It almost felt like it was the first real relationship in my life. I didn’t know love could be so effortless, so fun! That’s until his kids met mine. Then the fun went away really quick.

The counselor heard both partner’s stories. Both Tim and Angela’s children fought like crazy when they moved in together. Lots of power plays between the two oldest and lots of acting out from the youngest. The counselor invited the whole crew (Tim had 3 children from a previous marriage) in for several sessions. The children were encouraged to role play with one another as well as come up withnew, gentle “rules” that the family would have to abide by and that they. The children created the rules as well, giving them a sense of control and togetherness.

They were also encouraged to celebrate their new family unit. Each member came up with a list of positives regarding their new family and shared with one another. After a while, the group really enjoyed the counseling sessions because it gave the group a sense of needed direction and a safe place to air their differences.

New, integrated families are never easy. But as humans, we inherently like the idea of “family” and we’ll move toward it, if we feel its a safe and healthy place where we belong. This new family needed a chance to voice their issues and naturally gravitated toward a togetherness that would last a lifetime.

It’s not always easy to manage the time for the work that marriage counseling often entails. Such was the case of Jorge and Marie. Both had started a business that was working in the red for the first few years. They were consumed with making it work and it was putting a great deal of strain in their marriage, causing arguments at home as well as in the workplace, even in front of employees. When a fellow friend and employee suggested counseling, they weren’t sure how they could manage another item on an already busy schedule.

Once they started, they were instantly relieved. The counselor helped navigate them through the immediate stress of their business as well as breaking the pattern of some well-worn arguments. Unfortunately, Jorge and Marie couldn’t continue with counseling on a weekly basis. It was becoming another financial stressor for them and it was simply hard to fit in to their busy schedules.

The counselor suggested meeting every other week. At first, Jorge and Marie felt this defeated the purpose - they wanted to maximize their experience and felt that could only be done on a weekly basis. And while the counselor agreed that counseling is maximized when it’s more frequent, they all recognized that meeting bi-monthly was better than nothing at all. Jorge and Marie continued their work this way for an entire year, always looking forward to the quiet sanctity of their counselor’s office for a much-needed break.

Time has become something we need to manage in this day and age. It’s never an easy thing. But if we don’t make the time for ourselves and our most important connections, then we find ourselves easily unmoored and at the whim of never-ending stream of busyness. Making time for counseling is ultimately making time for ourselves.

When Marta and Graham entered couple’s counseling, they both felt excited about it, which isn’t always the most typical response! But both were open-minded, liberal people who looked forward to an opportunity to get to know themselves and one another better. They entered because Graham felt Marta, after 12 years of marriage, wasn’t fully committed in his mind. He felt a certain distance from her when he tried to be romantic or intimate and he was never sure why. Marta, at first, didn’t really know what he was talking about:

I think Graham is just really sensitive. I’m not the same way. I’m more of a practical sort. It doesn’t mean I love him any less. I just think he misinterprets my pragmatism as distance and it’s not. Sometimes I wish he could be a little more like me…well, I guess he feels the same way. That’s why we’re here!

After several months of therapy, the marriage counselor uncovered a secret that Marta had been keeping pertaining to some abuse she withstood at the hands of her father. At first she just alluded to it and then the truth came pouring out. Graham was shocked, especially since he was the closest to Marta’s husband of her family. The counselor suggested some individual sessions with a female counselor (upon Marta’s request) so she could talk more freely about it.

As the two continued counseling, Graham noticed Marta warming up and getting closer to him, the kind of intimacy he had hoped for after all of these years. Marta didn’t realize it at the time, but her past abuse had kept an invisible wall up between her and her husband, a certain distrust and distance that kept them from experiencing a deeper level of closeness.

Therapy can help uncover truths that break down barriers between people - sometimes barriers people don’t consciously know they are putting up. Thus was the case with this couple, who both felt that counseling was one of the smartest moves they had made together.