The Marriage Counseling Blog

Everyone has certain buttons that, when pushed, bring out the worst in them. For many people there are issues with fear and loss of control, for others there are fears of vulnerability. Often, control and vulnerability are sides of the same coin.

Both of these types of fears can cause reactions that are essentially adrenaline fuled fight or flight responses. One of the quickest ways to bring about this type of reaction is through threatening actions. These threats can be as simple as a step forward during an argument or raising the tone of your voice.

Avoid the threat, avoid the argument

You can help stop some of the arguments in your relationship if you recognize these signs of fear and vulnerability responses in your partner.

• Lower your voice and relax your tone. This can be accomplished if you imagine that there is a child in the nearby area that can overhear you. You would not want to concern or frighten a child, and you would make your tone and words more soothing. This is not treating your partner as a child, this is about moderating your own internal voice and tone.
• Look at your body language from a new perspective. Physical gestures can appear threatening, even if you have no intent to harm anyone. Body language is physical and how another views your body language can truly affect their responses to you. Be aware of how you are standing, what you are doing with your hands and arms and especially your face. Try to relax your shoulders and appear calm.

Diffusing an impending argument by ensuring that you are not threatening your partner is one of the first steps to overcoming fear and anger responses.

Couples counseling will help you learn more about communication in your marriage or relationship.

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