The Marriage Counseling Blog

Each of us has certain patterns that have developed in our relationships, commonly played out scenarios that seem to repeat themselves with a life of their own. Marriage counseling is often called upon to help couples break unhealthy patterns.

David always does that. When he doesn’t want to do something, he completely ignores it and refuses to even accept that it exists. I say “Take out the Garbage” and he says “What garbage?” It’s infuriating!! The garbage is right there. THAT garbage. I understand not wanting to put the garbage out, but the childish reaction of pretending it isn’t there is more than I can take.

Marie knows I like to watch sports on Sunday afternoons. Inevitably, as soon as the game starts, she’s standing behind like a gladiator ready to do battle, telling me to take the garbage out. I KNOW the garbage needs to go out on Sundays, but it doesn’t have to go out in the middle of the game. She always tells me to take it out in the middle of the game when she knows I’m busy.

David and Marie have a set pattern in their relationship that includes a fair share of emotional reactivity. To help them overcome this set pattern of circumstance and the reaction that seems to follow every time, their couples counselor asked them to use their emotional reactivity as a learning process.

Emotional reactivity is normal in close relationships, but it doesn’t have to be about your partner. Use it as a way to learn about your own patterns of behavior and the reactions that you are, essentially, provoking on purpose. Rather than focus all of your energy on getting your partner to stop their part of this ensemble piece, focus a part of your attention on yourself and how you can change your part of it.

In this instance, the couple’s counselor asked Marie to think about why she wanted David to take the garbage out during the game when she knew he wouldn’t want to do it. The counselor asked David why he would choose to react in a way more befitting one of their small children rather than as a contributing adult in the household.

Changing the thought patterns became a matter of understanding them in the first place and this counselor knew that he had to work on this couple’s communication problems.

Related Posts

• Learning Non-reactive Skills in Couples Counseling
• Couples Counseling Breaks the Pattern of Anger
• Marriage Counseling & Changing Old Patterns
• How Marriage Counseling can Break Cyclical Argument Patterns
• Individual Counselor Breaks Negative Cycles