Defining your Problem Pre-Marital Counseling
Les and Sammy knew the had a problem. A big problem. The only problem? They didn’t know what it was! As they sat before the couples counselor for the first time, Sammy had this to say:
He just…it’s hard to explain. But every time I talk, he seems to…well, it’s like he listens. But he’s not. And then we start fighting about it and he says I don’t know what I’m talking about…though I’ve told him a million times. I don’t understand how he doesn’t know. So he says he listens but says I get too emotional or he gets confused and…in front of people, it’s worse.
Sammy was obviously unclear about their problem. With some coaxing and fine-tuned questions by the counselor, Sammy was able to define his issue a little more clearly:
Les doesn’t listen to me. He acts like he does but he doesn’t. He seems bored when I talk. And when we’re with other people, he tunes me out even more.
Before you enter counseling, it’s important to clearly define exactly what kind of marital problem you’re experiencing. This is often hard to do when it’s a heated issue. You often can’t see the forest through the trees. But defining is one step closer toward solving.
Another reason it’s tough to define your issues is because you are seeing a dynamic problem - between two people - only from your perspective. Act as if you are a neutral person, looking from the outside in. What would you say that these two people are experiencing?
Defining your problem before entering counseling helps you save time and money ultimately. It also helps you and your spouse get on the same page. It’s often difficult to come up with solutions but it may be easier for a couple to surmise their overall problem, since it’s not as emotionally loaded.
