Is Being Each Other’s Best Friend Enough? Marriage Issues and Couples Therapy
We marry our best friends, someone we’re comfortable with, but we grow and change over time–and at different times from our spouses. How do we handle these “growth spurts?” Sometimes we need someone to talk to, to help us work through the changes that inevitably come with long-term relationships, and that’s where couples therapy can help.
Henry and Hillary have been married for five years, and they’ve always said they were each other’s best friend. In that five years, they’ve only had two couples over to their house. Henry owns his own plumbing business and works long hours. He’d rather just spend his time off at home with his wife. In the past, Hillary worked full-time and had friends at work to meet her social needs. They lunch together, and do a few outings a year. That’s been enough for her–until now.
Henry and Hillary recently had their first child and Hillary took a leave of absence. She misses her work and her friends. She wonders if being friends is enough? And is it healthy?
Hillary shares:
I always knew Henry was quiet, and I thought that was charming, at first. He’s loyal, kind, and easy going, and while I appreciate that–I feel like I’m changing and growing and need more. I feel guilty just leaving him at home to go out with my friends, and I’ve tried to find couples we can hang out with, but Henry is just content to sit at home–night after night. I need more. I don’t even think it’s good for our son to be so isolated. I’ve joined a playgroup and a couple of other weekly things for him, but I need more adult interaction. I’ve begun to look at Henry like he’s just a lump on the couch–and I hate feeling that way about him–but I do.
I don’t want to wind up like my parents. All they do is keep their own little world going. They never go out to eat, they do nothing except attend church on Sundays and have us over for major holidays–and that’s it. I’m 30 years old, not 80. I don’t want to wind up like them, and lately, I feel like life is just passing us by. I’m wondering if I made a mistake.
Henry shares:
Hillary knew I was an introvert when she married me. I haven’t changed. We used to be happy just hanging out together–is that a bad thing? I mean, I married my best friend–we can talk about anything, we’re compatible, and we have the same values. Ever since we had our son, all she does is harp on me. I guess it’s because she’s home all day and by the time I get home, she needs a break. I try to pitch in, and it’s fine with me if she wants to go out with her friends, but it’s torturous for me to try to be something I’m not.
Married couples do need more than each other. Isolation can grow to be unhealthy because it doesn’t allow for independence, outside stimulation of ideas, or someone to talk to about every day concerns, even about the marriage. Psychologists encourage people to incorporate a healthy mix of family and friends that surround you and give you opportunity to talk to someone confidentially about your concerns, your goals, and add an element of fun and relaxation to your life.
Everyone is different–and some people only need one or two people “in their corner.” For some, it’s a sibling or a cousin, or a childhood best friend. Others need more people in their lives–friends from college they see occasionally, co-workers, neighbors, and a close group of friends to round out the mix. More is not necessarily better, but it’s wise to extend yourself a little and find at least a couple of friends who will add to your life and be there when you need them.
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Interesting perspective on marriage and friendship though I am a bit confused about the issue of the couple in question resolving their problems.
While one seems to be happy to be introverted and the other not and your point of needing more than just your partner is spot on it does not solve the divide in a relationship where they do not feel they are not doing things as a couple.
I realize these are fictional examples but are you saying there is no problem here just a perception of one?
Are you in a marriage or relationship with problems that you don’t know how to fix? Have you tried repeatedly but regardless of what you do or how hard you try, nothing seems to work. If your answer is yes, you’re not alone. This may not be very comforting but it’s a fact for far too many couples. It’s also true that if you don’t find a way of turning things around that the quality of your life and relationship is likely to suffer. You might stay together for the kid’s sake, or maybe you can’t afford to leave or whatever. But, the bottom line is that life will not be what you want it to be and that’s sad.