The Marriage Counseling Blog

You may have heard the term “transference” before but weren’t entirely sure of the meaning:

Transference: a phenomenon where patients undergoing clinical therapy begin to transfer their feelings of a particular person in their lives to the therapist. For example, the patient may begin to feel the same feelings towards his or her therapist as the patient does for his or her lover. These types of feelings may be positive or negative. The therapist must be aware of this phenomenon and may even be able to use it to help the patient. For example, role playing with the patient.
- Psychology Glossary

It is an often overlooked aspect of marriage counseling but can be a very real dynamic. Most of the focus, as it should be, is on the couple and their relationship. But some of the important psychological “grist for the mill” is often found in the feelings either party has toward the counselor. Often, if one party is having trouble facing a certain emotion he/she is feeling toward the partner, they will inadvertently or subconsciously transfer it to the counselor.

Let’s say there is an adoring husband who feels his wife can do no wrong. After a brief affair of hers, he has trouble facing his own anger toward her. He begins to complain about the counselor to his wife, at first, fault-finding and nitpicking. Soon, he’s able to tell the counselor about his dissatisfaction. A skilled counselor can see that transference is taking place and use these misplaced feelings in a way that aids the couple. A good counselor will see that the husband is expressing himself albeit in a circuitous route. Eventually, the counselor will successfully encourage the partner to express the properly directed feelings to his partner.