The Marriage Counseling Blog

One of the problems that many people face prior to couples counseling and often during counseling itself, is being assertive. Generally there is one person in the couple but occasionally both who have real trouble speaking their mind. Often they have had a history that extends back into their childhood where speaking their minds had serious consequences. As a result, they began to “clam up.” Unfortunately – or fortunately – couples counseling really requires that you speak your mind and learn healthy ways to request your needs, wants and feelings in a healthful manner.

Here are a few pointers that might help as well with assertiveness overall:

When approaching someone about behavior you’d like to see changed, stick to factual descriptions of what they’ve done that’s upset you, rather than labels or judgments.

Here’s an example:

Situation:

Your friend, who habitually arrives late for your plans, has shown up twenty minutes late for a lunch date.

Inappropriate: “You’re so rude! You’re always late.”

Assertive Communication: “We were supposed to meet at 11:30, but now it’s 11:50.”

2. The same should be done if describing the effects of their behavior. Don’t exaggerate, label or judge; just describe:

Inappropriate: “Now lunch is ruined.”

Assertive Communication: “Now I have less time to spend lunching because I still need to be back to work by 1pm.”

3. Use “I Messages”. Simply put, if you start a sentence off with “You”, it comes off as more of a judgment or attack, and puts people on the defensive. If you start with “I”, the focus is more on how you are feeling and how you are affected by their behavior. Also, it shows more ownership of your reactions, and less blame.

For example:

‘You Message’: “You need to stop that!”
‘I Message’: “I’d like it if you’d stop that.”

4. Here’s a great formula that puts it all together:

“When you [their behavior], I feel [your feelings].”

When used with factual statements, rather than judgments or labels, this formula provides a direct, non-attacking, more responsible way of letting people know how their behavior affects you.

For example:

“When you yell, I feel attacked.”

5. A more advanced variation of this formula includes the results of their behavior (again, put into factual terms), and looks like this:

“When you [their behavior], then [results of their behavior], and I feel [how you feel].”

Here are some examples:

“When you arrive late, I have to wait, and I feel frustrated.”

“When you tell the kids they can do something that I’ve already forbidden, some of my authority as a parent is taken away, and I feel undermined.”

Other tricks? Simply maintain a relaxed body position when speaking with someone. Often, when a person sees you calm, they will stay relaxed in their response.

Eye contact is very helpful as well. Not only does it help you “tune in” better when someone’s speaking, others find it respectful and rewarding.

In addition, speak in a calming tone. It’s amazing the amount of difficult information you can convey in a warm tone that really gets the point across!

Related Posts

• Asserting Yourself in The Relationship
• The “I” Statements in Couples Counseling
• Distancing Yourself to Couples Counseling
• Couples Counseling and the Power War
• Couples Counseling Helps Heal Verbal Abuse