Communication without Blame - Marriage 101
As we delve deeper into the ways to communicate in a more healthy manner, it’s important to remember the difference between explaining the issue at hand to your partner without blaming. Couples counselors often see a high degree of blame in problematic relationships. Blaming is focusing on the person not the issue. It’s also more likely to elicit a poor response because blame puts people on the defensive. They are also more likely to retaliate with blame as well, hence how a toxic communicative cycle begins. So what are some of the ways you can talk to your partner and leave the blame out of it?
According to Kathylyn Hendricks, a popular author on the topic of couples and communication, has this to say:
1. Listen generously. Reflect back what the person said accurately. Hear the person’s feeling. Tune in to what the other person wants and feel what’s underneath it. Listen with your third ear.
2. Speak unarguably. That means speaking in statements of fact that can’t be argued. For example, you may say to your partner: “I feel bad when you leave for work without saying good-bye.” You’re saying that you feed bad (a fact) when your partner does not say good-bye (also a fact), and that cannot be argued. This way of speaking places no blame and allows a conversation to happen without argument.
3. Focus on appreciation. The Hendrickses recommend a 5-1 ratio of appreciation to complaint. Focus on positive aspects of your partner and your relationship.
4. Turn your complaints into requests. For example, ask your partner: “If I make dinner, will you clean up?” Be committed to making clear agreements.
5. Shift from blame to wonder. Ask yourself how you might be contributing to a communication problem. Kathlyn Hendricks asks people to “Hmmm,” which shifts you from your critical mind to your creative mind and, in turn, causes you to shift from being right to having a healthier relationship. Would you rather be right, or happy?
Once you begin practicing these skills, you will notice that they quickly become part of your program. In other words, the more you practice, the more honed these skills become. You can also apply these same skills to all sorts of areas in your life. Whether its your partner or your boss or your friend, people don’t like being blamed. But most people are happy to repair a problem when both partners are open and happy to repair it.
