Couples Counseling and Adjusting the Dream
Tabitha felt like she had been searching for Mr. Right her whole life, she told the couples counselor. When Doug came into the picture, he fit all of her internal qualifications: he was handsome, well-mannered, educated and independent. Doug became her first long-term relationship and eventually the two married. Trouble began when Doug’s gambling habit started spiraling out of control.
Doug had always loved gambling but when he married, his habit became more of a problem than an occasional hobby. He began gambling away some of their hard-earned family savings and that’s when Tabitha insisted on therapy. Tabitha more than insisted, she threatened Doug one night, screaming so loudly that the cops arrived.
In therapy, not only did the counselor explore Doug’s very obvious addiction but Tabitha’s severe overreaction as well. Doug began a gambling 12-step program in conjunction with counseling. The marriage counselor also worked on Tabitha’s earlier expectations of a man in her life and realized that it left little room for any imperfections. Tabitha and Doug had to readjust their ideas of one another and in a sense, rediscover the other with a new, fresh perspective.
Often in therapy, counselors must contend with the dichotomy of a partner’s early expectations of his/her partner and what really is. It’s often a sobering process, watching old dreams fall by the wayside. In the same breath, the relationship generally experiences a new groundedness from which the couple can grow. These expectations can help guide us early on but eventually can be rather limiting. Expectations are normal to have, but again - the importance lies in being able to adjust them.
