Couples Counseling – Listening as the First Step
Marriage counseling teaches communication skills, among other things. Many times, improper communications skills can stand in the way of a healthy, thriving marriage.
Here’s what one counselor had to say:
I think many couples give lip service to the skill of listening. Many don’t realize that they aren’t listening very well, even when they are sure they are! It’s an active process, not passive. And it can diffuse so many hurt feelings. Many times, when someone is hurt, they want to be listened to above all else. Of course, empathy plays a part as well: genuinely feeling for your partner. Listening and empathy really go hand and hand. But it starts with simply receiving your partners words in an open, non-judgmental fashion.
I can’t tell you how many couples I’ve seen really heal after learning how to listen better – some with anger and resentment they’ve been feeling for years! Such a simple act, but again, something many of us assume we do well.
When a partner isn’t listening, the other partner can quickly resort to defensiveness, anxiety and reactivity. This becomes dangerous because communication ceases at this point and the problem can tend to escalate.
Remember, listening is a skill that’s developed and honed. You can always work on it, even if you consider yourself a fine listener. Receive your partners words in a non-judgmental manner, let he/she finish their thoughts, ask questions, notice your reaction. Even if you want to react harshly, give yourself that one precious moment where you sit with that feeling. Then move on from there. Listening is about patience and maturity.
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- Marriage Counseling and the Lost Art of Listening
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- Marriage Counseling & the Art of Active Listening
