The Marriage Counseling Blog

When a couple reaches marriage counseling, chances are they are already discouraged. Sometimes this discouragement has been building for years, compounding the lack of perspective. In addition, discouragement is contagious. If one partner is feeling that way, the other is bound to follow.

One of the biggest obstacles counselors face is dealing with this discouragement. It has become a certain emotional inertia that the counselor must try to dislodge, because little work can be done in this place. Until there is at least an element of positivity, of hope, an impasse undoubtedly will be reached.

Conversely, it’s important not to discount the sense of disappointment the couple may be feeling. Years worth of frustration have often brought the couple into the counselor’s office and this sense of ennui can’t simply be waved away. Counselors will often explore the disillusionment the couple is experiencing first, as a way to give air to their grievances. It is this seemingly negative expression that often starts the healing itself. In other words, it is this ability to freely state their lack of hope, ironically, that can provide hope!

After this “airing out” period, some real work can begin. A couples counselor will often notice a sense of hope from either party, though often it is in small, guarded amounts. This hope is contagious as well. When one partner senses hopefulness from the other, he or she will climb on board.

It is a delicate process - allowing discouragement to be heard but not letting it guide the work. This can happen throughout the process, not just early on. Ultimately, hope is what gets the work done!