Couples Therapy & The Art of Arguing
Many couples who enter counseling are concerned about their frequency of arguing in their marriage. And while arguing can obviously be a sign of marital distress that needs professionally addressed, it can also be a way to “clean house” when done properly.
There are no absolutes - just because it feels uncomfortable to argue doesn’t make it bad. Pent-up emotions can be more deleterious to a marriage.
There’s also a certain comfortability and trust a couple develops with one another by being able to reveal their seemingly darker feelings.
With that said, arguing can be done productively by following some guidelines. They can keep a heated discussion from becoming toxic or dangerous:
1. Stick to the issue in hand - don’t bring up previous misdemeanors or other things you’ve been meaning to say.
2. Don’t argue over trivia - for example, arguing whether it was Monday or Tuesday that you forgot the milk. The issue is you forgot, not which day it was.
3. Start sentences with “I” - for example, “I felt annoyed when you…” rather than “You annoyed me when…” And “I would like to go out more often,” not “We should go out more often.”
4. Don’t use absolutes - never say “never”, “always”, “should” or “shouldn’t”. They’re irritating and often inaccurate. For example, “You never wash up” will almost certainly get a response of “What about when…?”
5. Let your opinions stand on their own merits - don’t be tempted to bring in other people’s opinions.
6. Try to stay sitting down, relax your muscles and don’t forget to breathe - it’s much easier to stay calm if you’re not pacing around the room.
7. Don’t start throwing abuse around - calling your partner lazy, fat or paranoid isn’t going to convince them to see your point of view.
8. Be aware of your feelings and tell your partner these as well - saying “I’m scared you don’t love me anymore” is likely to get a better response than “You don’t act like you love me.”
9. Try not to block the conversation - don’t interrupt, launch into a monologue or expect them to be a mind-reader.
10. Agree to a code word for time out - if one or both of you feels you’re getting overheated it’s best to take some time away from each other to calm down before going back to the disagreement.
Now, of course - arguing isn’t an exacting science! But these techniques help you and your partner argue in a productive way, where grievances are aired and feelings are spared.
