Crosstalking and Therapy
Cross talking is a common occurrence with couples, especially those that are enmeshed or argumentative. Ted and Sally were suffering from serious cross talk, hence their need for marriage counseling. Their communication had long since ceased, after 18 years of marriage. They had become a brunt of jokes among the family as the couple who “talked at the same time.” Unfortunately, it had stopped being funny for them:
According to Sally:
I can’t take it anymore. He doesn’t listen. He never has. I used to listen now I’ve stopped too. It’s sad. I don’t know what’s causing it. We used to laugh and talk. Now we don’t laugh at all anymore.
According to Ted:
What happened? What went wrong? Aren’t you supposed to provide us the answers? (laughs) I just feel like she never listens. She just switches her button to “on” and there she goes. I keep looking for the “off” button but there is none!
The marriage counselor had to outline some very hard and fast rules for this couple, who were deeply enmeshed and actually suffering a good deal of anguish from their lack of ability to listen. It took many sessions to break them of their reactive habit, but several exercises helped including the tried and true “holding the stick” game. This has been used in tribal communities for quite some time. The person holding the stick is speaking. The person who isn’t must listen. In this case, the counselor added the caveat that once given the stick, the spouse needed to repeat what the other had just said.
Fundamental listening skills had to be relearned. Slowly but surely, Ted and Sally began listening again.
