Do You Ever Face Contradicting Marriage Advice?
Do you often come across some piece of marriage advice that contradicts something you were told earlier? When there is too much advice floating around from all sorts of sources (counselors, family, friends, neighbors, colleagues etc.), there is bound to be some sort of contradiction. However, the most puzzling sort is the one that comes from those who are considered the authority on marital conflicts and counseling. Take, for example, the advice on handling conflicts.
Most counselors will tell you that it is important not to avoid conflicts if you do not want your relationship to worsen. And there is another unconventional school of thought that says you should leave the conflicts aside and look at your relationship from a new perspective. What do you do in such a case? Who do you listen to?
Diane Sollee, of SmartMarriages.com says, “The number one predictor of divorce is the habitual avoidance of conflict.” And Mort Fertel, founder of the Marriage Fitness System for Relationship Renewal, believes that “tackling marriage problems stress-out a relationship and make a bad marriage worse.” Now, why do these people contradict each other? The truth is that they are not. They are looking at a situation with different perspectives.
While Fertel’s marriage fitness program suggests you get out of the problem-solving mode to pay attention to smaller things in your marriage, SmartMarriages.com says that you cannot shirk your problems indefinitely. The seemingly contradicting advice focuses on one thing: communication. Putting the problems under the carpet and not making any effort to improve the relationship cannot be right. Similarly, if you get too involved in solving the big problems while doing nothing else to improve the relationship, you are not doing it right.
The key to understanding contradicting advice is by finding out the underlying reason dictating the advice. When you understand the whys of the advice, you will able to use the advice more effectively.
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