The Marriage Counseling Blog

Intimacy can seem like an elusive thing. It’s that certain bond or closeness that you share with only your partner. The stronger that bond, the more “lasting power” a relationship has. But like many aspects of a marriage, there is an “ebb and flow” element to it. It’s important to recognize this in order to withstand times when you’re not feeling so connected with your partner. Of course, if its chronic and long-lasting, its helpful to seek the advice of a couples counselor.

Here are some exercises you can try with your partner, if you’re feeling the need to reconnect with your partner:

You and your partner should take it in turns, on alternate days, to be the asker.

When it’s your turn, think of something you’d like from your partner during that day. The request should be specific, realistic and achievable. Avoid vague requests like “Be affectionate” or “Be nice to me.” Choose instead things like “Kiss me goodbye” or “Take the dog out for me.” (For further more ideas, see below.)

When you ask, you need to make it clear it’s that day’s intimacy request.
Remember

The aim of the exercise is to build intimacy, so keep your requests small and specific. Asking for things you know your partner won’t want to do is likely to make you feel further apart, not closer together.
The giver

As the person being asked, you have the right to say no to any intimacy request. In this case, the asker can’t have another request that day and has to wait until it’s their turn again.

Because both partners are able to say no, it’s unlikely that a reasonable request will be turned down as the giver knows they may be jeopardising their request the next day.
Possible requests

* Let’s go for a walk.
* Bring me a cup of tea in bed.
* Give me a hug.
* Buy me flowers.
* Say you love me.
* Give me a massage or a foot rub.
* Talk to me about your day.
* Do a household chore.
* Phone me during the day.
* Let’s watch TV or a film together.
* Send me a text message.
* Meet me online during the day.

If you keep the exercise going, you’ll find that in a few weeks it becomes easier to ask for what you want, and receiving requests feels more natural. If it’s working well, you might decide to drop the formality of alternate days and build intimacy requests into your relationship routine.
Further help

Related Posts

• Counselor Help for Intimacy Issues
• Emotional Intimacy and Support
• Couples Counseling and Opening Up to Exercises
• Couples Counseling for Intimacy
• Couples Counseling and Making Time for Intimacy