Expectations and Couples Counseling
Frances and Bobby had many expectations when they entered counseling. After years of what they both referred to as a “frozen marriage”, both entered expecting a quick fix. Both were successful business people and were used to delegating and delivering orders quickly and effectively. Both were viewed as very strict employers with a bit of a “cutthroat” reputation. When the marriage counselor recognized the work ahead of them, Frances wasn’t pleased.
I didn’t expect this at all. Our counselor assigned us “homework” and I thought, you have to be kidding! I told him I didn’t intend to do any homework. That we came to see him to do the homework for us. That’s what we paid him for.
It took some time for the counselor to explain that he wasn’t a marriage repairman. In other words, he served as a form of guidance, of mediation - not someone who could wave a wand and make their problems disappear. As a matter of fact, the counselor explained to the couple, there are times when problems are beyond the help of a counselor and occasionally a couple needs to separate.
Frances and Bobby struggled with this for some time. They really felt entitled to the “fix it” person and it took many sessions to realize that the responsibility of their marriage was their own, not anyone else’s. When they actually completed a “homework” assignment, both were pleasantly surprised and felt a real sense of success.
According to Bobby:
Well, it made us stop looking outside for answers, which is a habit both of us had really grown used to. I mean, I realized the counselor was there to point us in the right direction, but ultimately, we had to do the walking. We had to re-look at our attitude toward couples counseling and I guess, our lives in general. And I’m glad we did.
