Learning Silence in Therapy
Frank and Stella entered the office of their marriage counselor already mid-argument. They didn’t even acknowledge the therapist standing at the door! They had been chronically arguing for years now, to a point where it had become habitually and dangerously comfortable. Their kids had even suggested that their arguing was fine, that it actually was a way they bonded. In other words, everyone had become used to it and didn’t see it as a problem.
To a small extent, the children’s opinions held some truth. Often, people will squabble as a way to express themselves or connect. We can equate it to the 8-year-old boy who pulls the ponytail of his much beloved or Spencer and Tracy playfully sparring with one another. But of course, this is ultimately an unhealthy way to connect. It is too singular; couples get too used to this being the only way to communicate. Constant squabbling is also stressful; it raises the blood pressure and the body is in constant “fight” mode, taking an eventual toll on the mind and body.
Frank and Stella continued in couples counseling for over a year before the therapist felt they were finally taking a breath and genuinely listening to one another. It took the breaking of years worth of poor communication habits. They were also taught exercises in silence, where the two could sit in each other’s company peacefully. Eventually, Frank and Stella learned to take in what the other was saying as well as experiencing some much needed silence!
