The Marriage Counseling Blog

Lyle and Janet had been married 17 years prior to their first couples counseling appointment, though Lyle had wished they had come much earlier, especially due the success and short duration of their time with their therapist.

Lyle had been complaining for many years that Janet had given up the ability to think on her own. She was a shy, retreating woman, in her mid 40’s. She was a 2nd grade school teacher with not much of a social life. Over the years, Lyle had seen her grow increasingly dependent on him. She found it difficult to make any decisions without checking in with him first. Even while grocery shopping, she’d ask him for his approval on almost every item they purchased.

Lyle was not a domineering man. He encouraged Janet to “get her voice back” as he put it. He was tired of her passive attitude. It was beginning to affect their sex life as well. He hadn’t been feeling the same attraction for her. His respect was being lost, slowly, over the years.

The marriage counselor went to work on discovering some of the undercurrents of this dynamic. He quickly found out that Janet had been verbally abused as a child and was transferring these feelings of deference and fear onto her husband. In turn, the counselor also explored Lyle’s part: while he wasn’t an abusive man like Janet’s father, he had stopped inquiring about Janet’s feelings. On some level, her constant questioning of Lyle’s was a way to get his attention back.

The great part about this study is that made an amazing amount of accomplishment in a short time - less than 4 months. Both Janet and Lyle felt ready to tackle their problem and give up this old, worn dynamic.