May – December Marriage Dilemmas
Caroline is a shy, retreating woman in her 3rd year at law school. She met her husband, 18 years her senior, while looking for an internship position. While she didn’t get the position she desired, Bill remained in contact with her. After a year’s worth of dating, they married and settled into a small house in the suburbs.
Things were fine at first, as they both fell into comfortable routine. But soon Caroline found herself feeling very alone around Bill.
She tells her couples counselor:
He never wants to do anything social. I’m shy as it is already so the little bit of socializing I do, I feel like I need to maintain. It’s important to me. I don’t feel like I have enough fun and with Bill, well…I hardly feel like we ever have fun together. He’s just too reserved and tired most of the time.
Bill felt their age difference was coming into play. After a hard day of working at a competitive legal firm, he wanted to come home, drink his Scotch and relax. He didn’t feel like “partying.” He was worried that this age discrepancy would continue to cause tension, not get any better.
The counselor first worked on Caroline’s shyness problem. She needed to not be so reliant on Bill as a social conduit. Caroline joined a writing group that met once a week as well as a hiking club. Bill was asked to adjust his work schedule somewhat so he wasn’t always so depleted after work. The counselor also explored Bill’s stress levels, which seemed to be increasing. As a couple, they made time, at home at first, to have some fun together, whether it was watching an old movie or playing cards or taking a bath. They eventually joined up with a couple and alternated weekends hosting small get-togethers.
An age difference can certainly create specific problem with couples, but in this case, the central issue was more about reconnecting and learning to make time for personal enjoyment again.
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