The Marriage Counseling Blog

By now, most of us have heard or used the term “drama” in our relationships. No longer is it left for stage and screen! People want relationships that are “drama free” or they feel over the “drama” or someone is a “drama queen.” Marriage counselors do their best to minimize drama in relationships, though its not always easy. Some people are hooked on the adrenaline rush of a big argument.

How could this be? How could some people want the drama? Some were taught this technique growing up. They only saw big, heavy arguments in their household and don’t know any better. Others feel that this is a way to spice up their lives – perhaps they are unfulfilled with their jobs, for instance.

Rachel Baldino has this to say:

“Extreme fighting” is to human relationships what “extreme sports” are to athletes.

In other words, people who enjoy extreme sports such as bungee jumping, sky diving, and black diamond skiing tend to be self-professed “thrill junkies,” who only seem to find satisfaction in pushing themselves beyond their athletic limits. They feel addicted to the adrenaline rush associated with performing death-defying stunts. Similarly, in human relationships, “extreme fighters”-much like “extreme athletes”-often find ordinary life too boring and bland, so they try to “spice things up” by arguing with those they love in an extreme, unhealthy, overly dramatic manner.

Some “extreme fighters” like to issue ultimatums. For instance, an “extreme fighter” might turn a minor argument about who is supposed to take out the trash into a massive fight, with the “extreme fighter” dramatically shouting that if his partner does not “take out the trash right this minute, it’s time for a divorce!”

Sometimes there are two extreme partners in a relationship. But interestingly, some extreme fighters have partners who are very quiet and not at all interested in emotional drama, and who actually feel quite bewildered each time a minor disagreement suddenly escalates into a massive blow-up.

None of us behave perfectly with our loved ones every minute of every day. In fact, we all have times when we feel so angry that we momentarily forget about “The Golden Rule” and end up saying something that we instantly regret.

The key is not to allow a pattern of negative behavior to become the norm in our relationships. We all need to pay close attention to our personal arguing styles, and those of us who infuse too much drama into our conflicts need to put a stop to such destructive behavior immediately.

As Baldino points out, noticing the patterns of your argument is essential. What are you techniques for “bringing it down a notch?” When you fight “clean”, arguments are often resolved quickly and easily. Life can move forward!

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