Online Infidelity, Real Hurt
Infidelity is as old as marriage and relationships themselves. It is no secret that the hurt and betrayal that happens as a result of infidelity takes a serious toll on a relationship and sometimes completely destroys the trust that had been built between the couple.
Marriage counselors in the modern age have been inundated with a new kind of infidelity however, and it is called Online Infidelity. The American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy says:
Over half of all U.S. households have Internet access, making the 40 million sexually explicit Web sites, chat rooms, bulletin boards and interactive games completely available to anyone who cares to partake. An estimated 20 to 33 percent of Internet users go online for sexual purposes; most are male, about 35 years old, married with children, and well educated. As many as 17 percent of users become addicted to online sexual activity. In the coming years, as the number of households with Internet access grows, it can be expected that more and more couples will suffer a variety of problems related to online infidelity.
The feelings experienced by a couple dealing with online infidelity are similar to those experienced with physical infidelity, however in many cases, with a major difference. In online cases of infidelity, the partner cheating often feels that they aren‘t really cheating. The reasoning in many of these cases has been that, since there isn’t a physical contact and that, indeed, there may not be another partner at all, only an online supply of pornography, there isn’t actual basis for a confrontation. This is the type of behavior that therapist will address.
A therapist will likely want to determine if the user is addicted. If so, the therapist will offer support and assistance in the development of a plan, which might include restrictions on further computer use, accountability measures, and finding a 12-step or support group meeting
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This is a tricky type of cheating to understand. However, the fact remains that it is cheating. The person who does this type of cheating might rationalize the guilt away by saying that it isn’t cheating.
In reality, this person wouldn’t be trying to hide his or her actions if these online actions were acceptable.
I didn’t realize that you could actually trace these back. Thanks for the great tip.
I have personally seen marriages fall apart by spouses spending time on the internet chatting with people of the opposite sex. One of my friends in fact recently found out that her husband was having an online relationship with someone and was devastated. They are going through marriage counseling right now. Her marriage counselor suggested that she and her husband read a great book titled, “The Missing Link” by Drs. Richard & Phyllis Arno to help them communicate better and to become closer so that maybe there will be no need for either one of them to feel the need to cheat in the future. I just hope that couples who go through this experience realize that there is hope, that they don’t need to jump to divorce.
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Use of internet pornography or sexually explicit chat rooms has caused grief to so many families. It is often difficult for the pornography user to understand and take responsibility for the behavior. Change can occur, but only when both members of the couple commit to it. The pornography user must commit to understanding how his behavior is hurting his spouse, and the spouse must commit to rebuilding the trust in the relationship. Then, together, the couple can work on developing more helpful communication skills and intimate interactions.
Great article. We rarely hear this mentioned, but see it so often in our practice. Thanks for putting it out there.
I am a recurring victim of this with my husband and I am at the point where I just don’t trust him any longer. It just seems like one instance after another and that it may have no end. I love him, we’ve been married nearly seven years, and together nearly 8, with five beautiful children (three from my previous relationship)…However I feel powerless at at the mercy of his next instance of poor judgement. I have come close to divorce, and we are marriage counseling veterans already. I did not know where to turn but I can ensure that if it happens again, I just cant continue to stay with him. My self esteem is shot! I’ve never lacked confidence before this relationship with him. I’m thankful for the same tool that he is using to break my heart (the internet), that I can find some solace to know I am not alone.