Plans in Place at Home, Before Counseling
Many couples think conflict resolution is something that should come from an intuitive place. They believe that somehow “love will find a way.” They feel disillusioned when they come across problems that they’re love can’t get through. They feel like failures or worse, that maybe their love isn’t strong enough; that their love, in fact, failed on them! They enter marriage counseling with their heads hung down, feeling defeated.
What they don’t understand is that a system needs to be in place. This system is based on clear communication and techniques to deal with the heavier issues that come and go in any relationship. Usually there is one partner who will proclaim, “I just want us to get along. I’m not into all this processing stuff. I want it to be the way it way before.” It is conveyed to them, gently and firmly, that relationships are based on series of ups and downs. They come to understand that processing or sticking it out through a difficult phase is part of the magic of love.
No one wants to believe that love is work. And perhaps the word “work” is where we get hung up. We have enough “work” in our life already, right? It’s often better to understand it in terms of building. Love is creation and needs to built. You may have a fine, loving small house that you and your partner live in but occasionally, additions need to be made. The foundation needs redone. Walls need to be torn down.
Couples counseling allows partners to recognize that groundwork needs to be laid down. And that it’s alright to have difficulties and challenges. That it’s not a failure of your love but a process of love.
