The Marriage Counseling Blog

We meet, fall in love, and get married. We think we’re on the same page. We talked about religion before marriage, but perhaps something has changed. We realize our religious differences are more of an issue than we thought it would be. Sadly, too many of us seek out couples therapy after we’ve said the wrong thing, hurt each other, and isolated ourselves. Couples have a much better chance of working through challenges, of being heard and respected if they learn how to actively listen.

Michael and Sarah faced the “religion” issue after they decided to have their first child. Michael was raised Catholic, Sarah was raised Jewish. Both of them had “strayed” from attending temple and mass while they were in college and starting off their adult lives. When they married and fell in love, neither thought it would be an issue. But when they started planning for their first child, Sarah felt a longing to return to her childhood faith. They wondered how they would handle these differences when raising a child.

Sarah shares:

I ignored the my religious upbringing as a young adult. Yes, I felt ties to my Jewish heritage, but I didn’t feel the need to practice religious holidays or go to temple. I thought I’d always feel that way. I was exactly atheist–I was just living my own life. But everything changes when you get married and think about starting a family. I want our child to have the same continuity I did. I want us to be close to my parents and grandparents, and I know this matters to them a lot.

Michael says he’s atheist and it’s just my hormones ttalking. He wants our child to be free to choose for themselves–when he–or she is old enough. I know his parents would like for him to come back to church. He’s Catholic–and my mother-in-law has even hinted about this. I would be willing to find some way to compromise if Michael were. We’re four months pregnant and I spend a lot of my time worrying about how we’ll resolve this issue. I had no idea I’d feel drawn back to Judaism, but I am. I love the sense of community it offers, and I would be really sad for our child to miss our on an important part of his/her heritage.

Michael shares:

This is so left field for me. I’ve known Sarah for 7 years now, and we’ve had more conversations about religion in the past few months than we had in all those other years combined. It just wasn’t an issue. I was raised Catholic, but that’s not what I want for my child. If anything, it turned me off of religion. I guess you’d say I’m an atheist. It’s not like I sit around thinking about it. I try to be a good person–and I’ll teach my child that, too.

Sarah seems to be pinning so much on religion. Maybe it’s because she’s pregnant, but she’s freaked out that if we don’t raise our child up religiously, he–or she–won’t have a community, a heritage, or know right from wrong. And that’s simply not true. I really don’t want to argue with her about this and upset her right now, but she’s making such a big deal out of this and I don’t know how to calm her down.

Couples deal with religious issues throughout their marriage. Sometimes we start out more religious, and for others, we start practicing faith later in life. This can throw off a marriage–and does require some good communication skills to talk through and really share your heart on such a deep and meaningful subject. Marriage counselors can help couples figure out how to approach religious topics, how to help your spouse understand your needs and concerns, when and how to compromise, and strategies to help couples work through the many changes that come with marriage.

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