The Marriage Counseling Blog

We’ve all heard them, grew up with them and buy into them: they are the relationship myths that we’ve been told that have been branded into our minds. We don’t doubt them, though possibly we should. Relationships abound and living by them can cause trouble in your relationship, which can lead to a need for couples counseling.

Why? Because ironclad rules and myths on relationships allow very little breathing room. They are rigid, inflexible. There is no grey area and unfortunately, life is made up of tons of grey areas!

Here’s what an article from Good Housekeeping has to say about one common myth: “Don’t go to bed angry”:

As marriage folklore goes, the idea that it’s imperative to settle every disagreement before day’s end is pretty well entrenched. (After all, that’s the way some people read that “Do not let the sun go down on your wrath” line from the Bible, as well as how others interpret the pop-psychology dictum “Voicing grievances clears the air.”) And many of us have accepted the premise that if we don’t address disputes at once, all that unresolved conflict just festers inside us and we’ll wake up angrier each day, until someone finally explodes over an uncapped tube of toothpaste.

Ideally, of course, we would all be able to truly forgive every slight and make up before bedtime. But guess what? No one is that perfect. And, in reality, most spouses don’t solve problems well when they’re mad. In fact, “the idea that it’s helpful for couples to air their grievances in the heat of the moment is probably one of the most dangerous marriage myths out there,” says John Gottman, Ph.D., professor emeritus of psychology at the University of Washington and author of “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.” “Often, nothing gets resolved — the partners just get more and more furious.” When people are overwhelmed by emotions like anger, they experience what psychologists call “flooding,” a physiological response that leaves their hearts pounding and their concentration shot, to say nothing of their ability to resolve arguments fairly or amicably.

New rule: Sleep on it. Conflicts are best dealt with when you have calmed down and are well rested.

Rather than stay up to debate the disagreement du jour, Gottman suggests that couples set aside a moment every night to focus on what’s good about their marriage. Then, “no matter what — if you’re angry, if he’s angry, or if you’re both exhausted — kiss goodnight for six seconds,” he advises. “Sure, sometimes you’ll be so mad or tired that the kiss will last for six nanoseconds. But it will remind you of your enduring affection, and besides — long kisses often lead to something even better than conversation.”

That’s not to say that conflicts don’t have to be dealt with. To make sure disputes don’t get swept under the bedsheets, Gottman recommends having a standing, short “State of Our Union” meeting each week (just not at bedtime). “Take turns telling each other something about your marriage or your partner that you appreciated that week, and then afterward each of you gets to bring up one issue.”

It may be time to examine relationship myths that you live by. Perhaps they stem from childhood or preconceived ideas fed to you by the media and other external influences. Either way, these myths can become expectations and often lead to problems in the future.

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