The Marriage Counseling Blog

Forgiveness is a simple act in theory, though our ego often gets in the way. Holding on to grudges is a defense mechanism ultimately. And while its our way of protecting ourselves from further hurt, it often prevents us from release and happiness. Marriage counseling allows you to work through the steps of forgiveness, which often dislodges the most in-depth and complicated problems.

The way you handle grudges usually have a familial history. In other words, the ways in which your parents or other family members forgave (or didn’t forgive) often leave deep and meaningful impressions on us. The important aspect is to move forward, to actively take steps toward forgiveness and not use your lack of forgiveness as an egotistical badge of honor. Mainly because it simply feels better when you forgive!

Here’s some spiritual steps toward forgiveness that will help you peacefully let that chip on your shoulder fall:

1. There is no such thing as an unforgivable act. So don’t let your fear of what you did, or rage about what was done to you, dissuade you from either seeking or granting forgiveness.

2. Mind your own business. We can only grant forgiveness for that which was done to us and should only seek forgiveness for that which we have done.

3. Stay balanced. The number of apologies you seek should be proportional to the number you are willing to offer, because the doing of each nurtures the capacity for the other.

4. Know that you are never alone. From God’s perspective, sincere effort to correct the past renders earns any of us what my kids call a do over.

5. Honor the past, but don’t let yourself be imprisoned by it. Don’t allow your fear of forgetting what was done to you keep you from forgiving those who did it.

6. Allow love to triumph over logic. There will always be a good reason to keep doing what you are doing or to withhold your forgiveness from someone else. But real issue is whether or not you love them enough to go beyond that logic.

7. Keep it simple. Apologize for, or forgive, one thing at a time. There is always more to the story, but this is not the moment to explore it.

8. The answer doesn’t always have to be yes. We are not always ready to forgive and that is okay. But the answer shouldn’t always be no, either. Consider what you loose by saying no, and be concerned if that has become your default response.

9. Remember that forgiveness is not always the end of the process, but the beginning of a new level of relationship which may continue to be shaped by those past acts which demanded forgiveness.

10. Celebrate the moment of forgiveness in some way that rewards both the one seeking forgiveness and the one who grants it. A hug, a kiss, perhaps something even more intimate. A drink or a shared meal. Whatever it is, you have both accomplished a major thing, so make the most of it.

Remember, forgiveness is a choice, an active and unfolding choice. Holding on to grudges inevitably zaps you of vital life energy. And really, while it may seem that an act is “unforgiveable,” it’s important to remember that everyone is doing the best that they can to the best of their ability. When you learn to forgive others, you also forgive those “unforgiveable” sides of yourself!

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