The Act of Opening up in Couples Therapy
In this computer age, getting in touch with your emotions is something we often tout without genuinely knowing how to do. We read books about it, watch Dr. Phil and Oprah, talk about it over the water cooler - yet somehow still remain mute around those we love.
Couples counselors often have a difficult time, at least at first, simply getting couples to open up. Invariably there is one person who seems to be expressive, almost overly talkative while the other remains impassive and stoic. Though one would assume the talkative one is “opening up”, sometimes he or she is simply displaying nervous or frenetic energy and not genuinely getting in touch with his or her emotions. Often this person just as easily can be the viewed, at least by the other, as the controlling one or the “fixer.”
Opening up in couples therapy, as in life, is about safety and taking risks. Often one of the biggest reasons a person fears expressing his or her true self is a lack of sense of safety. Perhaps she opened up in the past and it was resoundingly rejected. Or perhaps there exists a pattern of neglect around his emotional state. This goes for the “fixer” as well as the one with her arms folded.
Once the couple realize they are in a safe environment, bit-by-bit, you will begin to see a breaking down of the wall. Often it simply takes some validation and encouragement to start really expressing oneself. A little goes a long way. Once the flood walls fall, the dam waters break through. There is relief and a sense of hope. Conversely, when the home environment has become too tense, the walls remain, making the couple tense, withdrawn and hopeless.
It’s not an easy thing - being truthful with your emotions. The vulnerability can feel too great at times. But it is in that very vulnerability where all the hope lies.
