The Ebb and Flow of Compatibility in your Marriage
Compatibility is a term often tossed about in couples counseling but we’re often not sure exactly what it means and where the lines are drawn. We seem to know it when we feel it. We’ll often hear happy couples express that they feel like “two peas in a pod.” But what about long term compatibility? You may feel like a happy little pea for the first few years but when you discover he wants kids and you don’t, suddenly that “pod” is getting a little cramped!
What are the landmarks of compatibility?
Kids
Are you both on the same page when it comes to children? Do you both want to have them? Do you have similar views on discipline? Do you agree on when you’ll have kids?
Couples that differ on the subject of children will be involved in a power struggle throughout their relationship. Don’t assume that because someone is interested in getting serious with you they also want to have kids with you. Even if they do want children one day, make sure their views are in sync with yours.
Faith
Do you believe in God? If so, do you adhere to a specific religion? What was your religious upbringing like? How important is your faith?
Religious views, regardless of what they are, can be a huge source of comfort (or stress) in a relationship, depending on your viewpoint. Whatever your beliefs, make sure you both share the same line of thinking. Find out your partner’s family views on faith, and determine how it may affect your relationship. If you and your partner differ on religion, will familial influences come between you eventually?
Activity level
How do you generally spend your time when you have a vacation day? Do you read a favorite book cover to cover? Or do you think the extra time you have should be devoted to getting some work done around the house? What level of “busyness” is right for you? And does your partner share the same view?
You don’t have to share all the same interests, but you do need to be in sync with how you prefer to spend your time off. Travel and leisure time can be a source of comfort, or conflict, for your relationship. Discuss your preferences and decide any compromises you’d be willing to make.
Career
Does one of you work more than the other? Do you both have the same idea on what would constitute financial stability? Does your partner think what you do for a living is perfect for you, or do they wish you’d switch gears and go into something else?
Work is an important part of life. You’ll be spending a lot of time away from your family at your job. If your partner does not fully support or believe in what you do, this is an area that needs to be discussed before you get serious. The way you handle your career also reflects on the kind of life you are both looking for.
Physical intimacy
Are you happy with our sex life? Are you comfortable talking about what you’d like from me? Is there anything you’d like me to change or do differently?
Sharing preferences on physical intimacy is an important part of a relationship. Even more key, however, is the ability to talk about it. No matter how close you are, you can’t assume your partner knows exactly what you want at every moment. As time goes on and your relationship changes, being able to freely communicate with your partner will ensure that you stay ahead of any problem issues.
Of course, these are questions/topics you want to address before you enter a relationship, but that doesn’t always happen. Luckily couples counseling helps couples address these areas in a healthy, safe manner.
