The “I” Statements in Couples Counseling
We’ve all heard it before, right? Even the most psychologically unsavvy among us has heard the importance of using “I” statements when communicating with others, such as “I feel like you’re not listening to me” instead of “You never listen to me.” The former statement is less likely to elicit a feeling of defensiveness and allows the other party to understand how their behavior is making you feel.
Couples counseling teaches you to talk to your partner in a way that is productive and “I” statements contribute to overall communication. Many couples have to “retrain” their speech to include “I” statements, but once they do, it becomes habitual and easy.
Here are a few other reasons “I” statements help facilitate healthy communication:
“I” statements help:
Express feelings productively.
Respectfully confront someone when you are bothered
by his or her behavior.Express difficult feelings without attacking the
self-esteem of the person.Clarify for you and the other person precisely what you feel.
Prevent feelings from building up and festering into a
bigger problem.Communicate difficult feelings in a manner that
minimizes the other person’s need to become defensive,
and increases the likelihood that the person will listen.
“I” statements may seem obvious to many of us, but if you watch your speech with others, especially when you are angry or upset, you’ll notice how “you” statements come to the foreground. “You” statements will quickly block communication and can often lead to a communication stalemate.
So focus on “I” during the next talk you have with your partner. You’ll find your communication operating considerably more smoothly and defenses dropping drown quickly.
Related Posts
- Being Asserting During your Couples Counseling
- How to Diffuse an Argument through Couples Counseling
- Couples Counseling and Techniques to Diffuse Arguments
- Healing Together in Couples Counseling
- Non Verbal Communication and Counseling for Couples
It’s true that paying attention to this simple aspect of communication can make a major difference in relationships.
I feel like you’re not listening to me isn’t an “I” statement. It’s a hidden “you” statement. It would be better, “I feel like I’m not listened to” or “I feel like I’m not heard or payed attention to.”
My mother loves to make hidden “you” statements such as ~ “I wish you would call your sister” or “I drive you crazy, don’t I.” I never know how to respond to those kinds of statements except with silence. I always feel put on the spot. I feel like I need to know how to respond to those kinds of statements. I feel like I’m not a good enough daughter.
Hey there – we are LOVING your blog and think there is a lot of wisdom and good advice in what is being said. Being so far away from other’s here in Sydney Australia – it’s good for us Psychologists to hear views from others around the world – now we know we are not alone in thinking about this. Keep up the good work!