Therapeutic Work for Old Grudges
Carl had never known his wife harbored a grudge that lasted for over 34 years. Tammy had never said anything and it simply accrued mental energy over time. When they entered therapy, it had nothing to do with the grudge seemingly. Carl had suggested it because Tammy had been depressed a lot lately and he was concerned about her well-being. He had suggested she see someone but she refused. So Carl suggested couples counseling.
Tammy was indeed depressed. She suffered from mild agoraphobia (a social anxiety) and was spending most of her time indoors, watching television or reading books. She wasn’t always like this, Carl explained. She used to be very lively and fun. But since her early retirement, she found little purpose and stayed at home, losing contacts with friends and giving up charity work that used to mean a lot to her.
After 5 months of weekly counseling, Tammy finally revealed that she also felt very hurt by something Carl had said at a party when they began dating. Apparently he made a joke about her being on the promiscuous side and Tammy felt humiliated. Carl had absolutely no recollection of this moment and doubted whether he would even make a joke like that. Regardless, the counselor encouraged Carl to take some time and listen to Tammy’s feelings – validate, empathize – as if he had said it. Tammy finally felt relieved and finally heard.
People can harbor resentments and grudges for some time and never speak their mind. This memory of Tammy’s wasn’t causing her depression but her inability to express herself – her anger and hurt feelings – certainly contributed to her overall condition. She soon found herself expressing herself more often in therapy and both made wonderful progress. Tammy is now seeing a private therapist and doing well.
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