The Marriage Counseling Blog

Couples counseling offers an opportunity to “untangle” when there seems like no other way out. Often two couples become enmeshed with one another when a longstanding problem exists. They fight and claw and “process” until they have no perspective or no distance. They often enter counseling exhausted, drained and bewildered. How could they not find an answer? After all that time talking, they feel as if they could have solved world hunger!

What is enmeshment in psychological terms:

In human relationships, this term means two or more people who don’t have clear identities and boundaries (limits) that separate one person from the other. Thus an enmeshed person can’t distinguish the difference between my needs, feelings, opinions, and priorities and yours.

Enmeshment ranges from mild to extreme. It is the polar opposite of two people being independent – meaning neither has a strong bond with (emotional attachment to) the other. A middle option is an interdependent relationship, where each person has a clear, stable identity and personal boundaries, and a healthy bond with the other. These promote relating together as co-equal partners out of conscious choice, vs. unconscious compulsion (“I can’t live without you!”)

Two adults (“Nina and Jose are joined at the hip”) , a parent and a minor or grown child (“Mel’s a Momma’s Boy”), two children (“The twins are inseparable”) or whole families may be enmeshed.

It’s a powerful and unhealthy bond and one of the first steps a couples counselor must take is teaching the two parties to become individuals again; to take care of their own needs and identify their own feelings. They are often encouraged to “get back to their lives” before working on their relationship. In theory, not much progress can be made in an enmeshed state; the childlike desperation is too strong. Identities need to be re-established and a “letting go” needs to take place first.

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• Coming to Terms with your Partner Through Couples Counseling
• Family Counseling for Couples in Life Transitions
• Couples Counseling for the Silent Problems
• Healing Together in Couples Counseling