The Marriage Counseling Blog

Many couples who enter marriage counseling tell their therapist that the arguments in their marriage have brought their relationship to a standstill. To say the least, they are concerned that the frequency of arguing in their marriage is something that they just can‘t continue with emotionally or physically.

The truth is that occasional arguing can be a source of healthy venting if it is done correctly and as a part of a bickering or hurtful habit. The habit of hurtful arguing is not healthy, helpful or in any way constructive. Instead, these pent-up emotions can disastrous to a marriage and serve as another weapon in a hurtful arsenal when used that way..

Productive arguing, on the other hand, is an art form that can be accomplished by many couples when assisted with the right techniques during therapy.

Therapists help couples argue productively using many methods:

1. Stick to the issue in hand – don’t bring up previous misdemeanors or other things you’ve been meaning to say. Using one argument as a platform for another is manipulation.
2. Don’t argue over trivia – for example, arguing whether it was Monday or Tuesday that you forgot about Susie’s school snack. The issue is you forgot, not which day it was or what the other person may have done to distract you.
3. Start sentences with “I” – for example, “I feel frustrated when you spend our vacation money on something just for you and not the family.
4. Try to avoid using absolutes such as “never”, “always”, “should” or “shouldn’t”. They’re incendiary and often inaccurate. For example, “You never wash up” will almost certainly get a response of “What about when…?”
5. Let your opinions stand on their own merits – don’t be tempted to bring in other people’s opinions. Telling your wife what your mother said about raising children is probably not going to help the situation.

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• Couples Therapy & The Art of Arguing
• Is it Worth Arguing About?
• The Etiquette of Arguing for Couples
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