The Marriage Counseling Blog

Infidelity is one of the biggest blows to a married person’s self esteem. You trust your spouse to stay true to your vows and respect your relationship. Then, the unthinkable happens. How do you cope?

First, it’s important that you realize it isn’t your fault. Your spouse made a poor choice. Maybe he or she has found reasons to justify that choice, or maybe not. Still, it was a choice and it did affect you. Let’s deal with your emotions regarding the infidelity. It’s the only way to true healing.

Infidelity Dynamics

There are several dynamics involved in infidelity. There are your own feelings regarding the matter. There’s the act of infidelity itself. And there are the reasons your spouse felt the need to go elsewhere for satisfaction and/or stimulation. These are all dynamics independent of each other and each one has its own set of dynamics as well.

You cannot control your spouse. You cannot control your spouse’s reaction to you and your emotions. You can only control yourself. So your first priority should be to seek emotional healing for yourself. Beyond that, it is possible to overcome marital infidelity if you consider your spouse’s feelings and the reasons for the infidelity in the first place.

Your Emotions

When your spouse cheats on you, you likely feel a range of emotions, including:

• Feelings of inadequacy
• Anger
• Shame
• Desperation
• Fear

These feelings are all common to victims of infidelity. You may have your own that are unique to your situation. It is important that you find a non-partial party to listen to you vent and to offer ways of coping with these emotions.

The Infidelity Itself

The objective act of infidelity has its own dynamics. Was your spouse cheating with a friend? A co-worker? A person of the same gender as him/her? Did you know the other woman/man? How long did it last? Were other people aware of the infidelity before you were?

For each dynamic of the act itself, there may be strong emotions you have to deal with. Dealing with your emotions directly, apart from the infidelity, is only a first step. Believe it or not, it can be the shallow step to healing. Dealing with the trauma of the infidelity act itself can require much more courage. But until you deal with your own internal psyche you may not be ready for that step.

Dealing With Your Spouse’s Emotions

Your spouse made a mistake. A big one. But that doesn’t make him/her a bad person or a case beyond help. Does he/she want to reconcile with you? If not then overcoming the abuse of infidelity and continuing your marriage may not be possible. It’s important that you face that reality.

Your spouse may have had specific reasons for looking elsewhere for his/her physical or emotional needs. Infidelity is not always about sex. It can be about respect, missing emotional needs, lack of attention or one of many other causes.

You are not necessarily the cause of your spouse’s infidelity, but if you truly want to overcome the damage it has done then you must listen to your spouse discuss his/her needs and the reasons they felt it necessary to go elsewhere to meet them. You may find that you were not meeting those needs yourself. That doesn’t make you a bad person either. It could mean that your relationship needs a deeper level of communication.

Overcoming Infidelity

If you want to save your marriage, you and your spouse must want to continue the relationship. It won’t work if one of you does and the other doesn’t. Counseling can help both of you decide if you still want to stay married. Many marriages survive and grow stronger as a result of the infidelity. However, many don’t.

In order for your marriage to survive infidelity you and your spouse must put the infidelity behind you. That means:

• Stop blaming your spouse and start communicating
• You deal with your pain; don’t make your spouse deal with it
• Communicate with each other
• Learn to trust again
• Know what your spouse needs and be willing to meet it, or reach an equitable compromise
• Learn to tell your spouse what you need and let him/her make a choice on how to meet those needs

Learning to cope with infidelity is a process. It doesn’t happen overnight and it rarely happens for a couple without help. Seek marriage counseling today and overcome infidelity with trust, confidence and communication.

Related Posts

• Can a Marriage Survive Infidelity?
• When To Seek Infidelity Counseling
• Counseling Help for Infidelity
• Therapy to Overcome Grief and Fear
• Emotional Infidelity in Marriage