Marriage and Blame
Blaming yourself for your spouse’s issues is one of the common problems seen in couples entering marriage counseling, especially those with sexual difficulties. Blaming yourself for someone else’s issues means that you have taken all the responsibility of those actions, creating an environment of anger, resentment and self doubt that then damages both of you. The guilt associated with that and felt by your partner just piles onto the original scenario, creating an even worse environment.
The fact is, it may not be, and probably isn’t, about you. It’s about sex and the person’s psychological issues with sex.
Gretchen told her marriage counselor:
Lyle has a horrible sex drive. When we were married, we used to have sex every day, but after a few months it became every other day, then a few times a week, then once a week and now once a month, if that. I think that sexual intimacy is an important part of emotional intimacy, but all of it is impossible when I‘m rejected again and again.
I’ve asked him if he wants me to talk dirty or try new positions. I‘ve started entire conversations about what I like, what he may like and end up just begging him to tell me what he likes so that I can do it, but he just says everything’s good the way it is.
I’ve tried leaving him alone and not pressuring him. When that didn‘t work, I tried surprising him and being creative and spontaneous. I didn’t know what else to do.
Gretchen’s insistence that Lyle’s sexual dysfunctions were her responsibility only added more fuel to the fire and pushed Lyle further away. Lyle eventually found that his lack of sex drive was in part due to a physical condition, and Gretchen’s need for sexual intimacy was able to be lessened by a more stable emotional attachment. Through marriage counseling and individual counseling this couple accepted more responsibility jointly and worked together.
Related Posts
- Communication without Blame – Marriage 101
- Self-Blame as a Diversion Tactic
- Learning to think for Yourself in Couples Counseling
- Dancing Through Marriage Therapy
- Marriage Counseling for Sexual Addiction
I am 40 years old and my so called fiance is only 31 we have been together for almost seven years and it has been a very tough ride we both have cheated and we have made plans to have a baby but being that i couldnt due to tubal problems he dicided to pay 5400.00 for me to have a tubal replacement then eight days before the surgery he cancelled it and now we are out of 6000.00 and we can not have a baby i was tramatized by this decision but i stayed with him and now we can not get married because he can not find his estranged wife (she probably got deported) whom he married behind my back during our second year of dating i paid for all the searches and the courts granted him a fee less index number to file for divorce but once again he got pissed off and threw away all the paper work is there someone out there who can give me some advice as to what to do with this relationship i also would like to add that he has bought me two engagement rings and i got robbed for the last one and we can not find the first one so i replaced it and bought a new one for 700.00 and now i wondering did i waste my money and should i stick with this guy or leave now