Marriage Counseling Dealing with Infidelity
Gloria had been living with the very active and pervasive memory of Steven’s infidelity for the past 7 years of their 12 year marriage. Gloria had found in herself an inability to let go of the memory of her husband’s infidelity and was unable to let it go. Steven had been living with the guilt of his past actions and had also been unable to find a way past the cycle of guilt and mistrust that had built up between them. This had grown into a major obstacle right in the heart of their marriage.
Steven had this to say:
I made a horrible mistake and it has cost us both. I still think, every day, about the mistrust and anger that I caused, but at this point, I just can’t live as the bad guy anymore. What I did was wrong, but it was years ago, and I’m not the same person that I was then. I’m a better person and I want our marriage, and us, to move on. Instead, we’re just stuck where we were when this all happened. She won’t forget about it, and she won’t forgive me.
The marriage counselor was able to see the depth and complexity of this marital problem, and indeed Gloria and Steven were not the first to have this complex issue become the benchmark for their marriage problems.
Gloria said:
He betrayed me and he betrayed our marriage. I want to move on, I really do, but every time we’re together, I picture him together with her and I just get so angry. Even after all this time, I’m still so mad!
Gloria and the counselor agreed that she would benefit from personal, individual counseling in order to deal with her feelings of betrayal and safety, as well as continued Marriage Counseling in order to work together, with Steven, to forgive the infidelity and rebuild their marriage.
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- Infidelity Carries On without Counseling
- Emotional Infidelity in Marriage
- Can a Marriage Survive Infidelity?
- When To Seek Infidelity Counseling
I can relate to Gloria. It took me a long time to get over my husband’s infidelity the first time, but I did move on with a lot of therapy and sheer will to survive. My husband has done it again with someone he works with. If it wasn’t for me threatening to expose her to her husband and family and for the fact that someone at their job knew and warned me, it would still be going on. Needless to say I’m shattered. My husband is a very self-centered, self-absorbed person. We’ve been together 25 years and sometimes I wonder why. I’ve always been the type of person to concede or give in to just end the fight. He is not that type of person. He won’t acknowledge the affair at all. He won’t talk about what he’s done or how much it hurt me. He thinks I should just forgive and forget even after I told him that he totally shattered my trust and faith in him. He showed me total disrespect which I did not deserve. I tried to suggest counseling, but he won’t hear of it. He justifies his actions to himself all the time. He felt justified in this affair because he wasn’t getting sex from me and refused to work out our problems. He is demanding and disrespectful when he doesn’t get his way. When he broke it off saying he was still in love with me and wanted to stay, I questioned him about it. Do you want to stay because of love or because I’m your safety net. The woman is married also and has a family. That is probably why he didn’t leave me. I told them to seek divorces but I was protecting myself with all the evidence of the affair and would not tell her husband if they stopped it. This is the second time my husband has done this. I’m afraid it will be repeat behavior because he is so self-centered. A therapist II saw told me to consider that. He needs therapy but won’t go. How can I make someone get help, if they don’t want it? I’m afraid my marriage is doomed after 25 years and I feel very defeated.
Infidelity hurts. But, if the betrayed person is not able to forgive, then there isn’t any hope of the marriage surviving. Why stay in a toxic situation if you are not willing to forgive and move on? You will never forget, but you must forgive IF you continue to stay in the relationship.
After you forgive a cheater, he has to do everything possible to regain your trust. If he cheats a second time, you have some pretty difficult decisions to make. Are you going to stick around for a third time? Are you afraid to leave because of financial reasons? Do you want to stay because of the children? Is he really deserving of forgiveness again?
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Marriage counselling is very much important because lot of couples besides their academic qualifications not living in harmony due to lack of knowledge about marital relations
I’ve seen some of the strongest, healthiest marriages come out of couples really learning from and re-connecting after sexual and emotional cheating.