Understanding the Four Horsemen of the Relationship Apocalypse
We don’t seem to agree on anything. We fight all the time. If this is how you describe your relationship with your partner or spouse, there must be something wrong. But have you ever wondered if you are the one taking charge of the fights? Are you the one who criticizes more? Are you the one who resorts to shaming your partner in the fights? Fights are not unusual, and they are not the problem.
To be able to fight with your partner on the same level implies an underlying sense of equality in your relationship, but if you use the term ‘fights’ to refer to constant bickering, there’s something wrong. When John Gottman, relationship expert, came up with the four horsemen of the marital apocalypse, he was referring to the way couples interaction can lead to the end of their relationship. Gottman mentions criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling.
Criticism is not the same as providing value-added feedback. Criticism is downright offensive in a relationship. So, if you resort to criticizing your partner when you are fighting with him/her, you are making a dent in your relationship.
Contempt can make your partner feel humiliated. And if you resort to contempt frequently, you may be hurting your partner beyond repair.
Defensiveness may not sound like a problem but it is a major communication problem. Imagine your partner jumping to his/her defense every time you remind him/her of something he/she was supposed to do. You will soon start feeling that your requests are being ignored or your partner is irresponsible. Now, this is something you have got to avoid. Apologize clearly instead of defending yourself all the time.
Now, stonewalling means evading conflict. Turning away can keep the house silent but it just piles up anger and grudge inside. If you are upset about something, talk it out instead of shutting off the communication door.
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