Control Your Reaction for a Better Relationship
We all get angry, and that’s perfectly normal. Only the spiritual gurus and yogis can probably claim not to get angry at all. The rest of us, mere mortals, are prone to anger. However, the thing that stops us from becoming demons is the fact that most of us can handle our anger. If you go berserk when angry, you probably need to learn anger management. It is your reaction on being angry that affects your relationships, not your anger.
What do you do when you are angry? Do you throw things around, curse, or scream at the top of your voice? The way you react to a situation affects the consequences. At times, it is your reaction that ruins things between you and your partner. More often than not, the reason for your anger does not stay, but the after-effects of your reaction stays.
If controlling your reaction is not in your control and if you understand that, you have at least recognized the underlying problem. Now, you need to take action. Do you realize that your action and your partner’s subsequent reaction to that can get into an unending cycle, just worsening the problem?
It is important you take a pause before reacting. Think about the consequences. The key is to avoid an impulsive reaction. You may wonder if your partner will do the same. Well, when one calms down, the other cannot be hyper-reactive for long. He/she too will calm down. Try not to keep adding fuel to the fire. You will be surprised at how much just a pause helps.
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Thank you for this post: I consider it good advice.
Generally we psychotherapists recommend to, “Say how you feel!”
- and no doubt there is room for this. However, especially in the Humanistic Schools, there can be an overemphasis on “being real”, i.e. explosive, rather than attempting to remain composed, to take a breath, and then to respond to the partner (rather than to react).
However, I would add to your post, that anger is not the only difficult to contain emotion that might take a toll on our relationships. When we slide into a sad, wounded, perhaps “needy” and victim-like posture (all for good reasons from a painful past), this is often as least as hard to bear for the partner as an erruption of anger. What might help at least a little, is to start practising becoming the “Inner Witness”. This is not to become numb, but to find a warm, grown-up place within ourself that can say to the wounded part, “Yes, I know you are hurting – and I care… but it might not all be our partner’s fault, so let’s just slow down a little.” Yes, it sounds a bit laboured, but many of my clients have reported good results.